Behind The Green Apron

I recently tweeted: "You can tell a lot about a guy by the type of coffee he drinks..." and I got a request from a friend, Nate, to explain this statement in a blog post. I was down with that idea, I thought it'd be a fun way of sharing all the things I've noticed or observed on a daily basis in my life behind the green apron.

For those of you who don't know, I have been a barista for many years. I have met some interesting people and I have even developed some pretty cool friendships with some of my customers. I also love that we are in an area of Austin where "Keep Austin Weird" isn't just a slogan for local businesses but a way of life. I have observed a lot of things in my time spent with Starbucks, and if anything, I have learned that you can indeed tell a lot about a guy by the type of coffee he drinks. Let me explain... (Disclaimer: I do realize that I may not by right on the money with these observations, but humor me and play along.)

Brewed Coffee:
I may be jumping the gun by starting off with this, but I feel like they need to be acknowledged first. Why, you ask? Well because I'm a wuss, and not a coffee drinker and on the rare occasion that I actually do drink espresso it is diluted in soy milk and extra pumps of syrup. I have never been able to drink just a regular cup of brewed coffee, therefore I am impressed. What is even more impressive are the ones who drink it black. I have a customer who comes in every morning at the same time, he is always at the door right as we open and he doesn't even have to say a word and I have his coffee ready for him: grande bold black coffee. It blows my mind every time he takes a sip of his coffee at the register while I am ringing him up because that coffee is almost 200 degrees. That is a man's man right there. I told him once that one day he would change his mind and order something else, but he said he used to get a handcrafted espresso drink but all his buddies gave him a hard time. He caved in, but now he is going all out on his choice of coffee and I can respect that. What's even more impressive than that? The guy who adds espresso shots to his cup of joe. I tip my hat to you, Mr. brewed coffee drinker. You guys are ready to face your day with a strong cup of coffee and no pastry... You are a man's man, indeed.

Americanos/Multiple Shots Of Espresso:
You are almost as impressive as a brewed coffee drinker, you come in a close second. Props to you.

"Skinny" Lattes:
This one is going to be short and (not so) sweet. Mainly because I don't want to sound mean and judgemental, that wouldn't be very nice of me and I also don't want to offend anyone. I don't experience this one often, not very many guys make it a point to get everything sugar free and non fat. On the rare occasion that one does come along, he appears to be well groomed...almost "frat" like, and it would not surprise me if he had a seersucker suit hanging up in his closet. To any guy reading this who prefers his lattes a little skinny but also likes to hunt and kill (animals) on the weekends, holler at me and prove me wrong, restore my hope in all mankind. You will be welcomed with open arms, don't be shy.

Tea/Tea Lattes:
I feel like I can relate most with this type of guy. They are normally nice, easy to talk to and pretty chill. I feel like these guys are comfortable enough with themselves to enjoy a nice cup of tea. (I may sound a little partial to this bunch, and it is because I'm a tea drinker myself.) I can picture this guy hanging out in the cafe with a good book or totally focused on his MacBook.

Creme Frappuccinos/Hot Chocolates
You have no idea what you are doing in this coffee shop, do you? You probably got dragged along to Starbucks with your friends, they told you they get a Double Chocolatey Chip Frappuccino, so you try it and now that is the only thing you ever drink because you don't want to be "that guy" who speaks up and says: "I have no idea what to get here." Be bold Mr. Frappuccino drinker, ask questions, branch out and take the bull by the horns!

So which type of coffee drinker do I prefer? Well I would like a mix of the brewed coffee and tea/tea latte drinker. I like an All American Guy Next Door mixed with a guy who enjoys good conversation over a steeping hot cup of tea.

Ladies, which guy do you prefer? And Gentleman, which coffee drinker are you?

This is my kind of guy right here:
"You can't get a cup of tea big enough or a book long enough to suit me."
-C. S. Lewis (Preach it C.S.!!)

Be Still

I had the intentions of writing this blog 3 weeks ago, well those 3 weeks have come and gone and I am just now getting to it. That's how busy I am, it takes me forever to type out one little blog post. I wish I could say that I have been busy with important things, such as spending all my time in homeless shelters, or the pregnancy center that I volunteer at but I've even neglected that over the past month. I've let job(s) get the best of me, I put all my time and energy into my work. Earn more money, cash in my stocks, save up for vacation, and make a dent in that super long Christmas shopping list I made, these are the thoughts that have consumed me lately. I don't like it, not only does that sound stressful but it has taken success and money and placed it before God just simply providing for me. I have felt like I've placed striving for more above everything else.

About 3 weeks ago, the same time I had planned on blogging, I realized that I had a day off of work with nothing else planned. 24 hours all to myself. This is a rare thing, I am the type of person who feels like I need to constantly be doing something wether it be working, volunteering, or just a social event, my schedule always needs to be full. I didn't know what to do, I just realized I had this day off with only a couple hours notice, it was too late to plan anything. So I just had to face the music and deal with the fact that I had to spend the whole day with myself, just me and my thoughts. So I decided that I wanted to be productive in a completely relaxing sort of way. I wanted to do things around the wonderful city of Austin that I don't do on a daily basis. The day ended up being an eye opener, I didn't earn any money that day and I wasn't successful in any way possible but I learned a lot about my thoughts, and what they are controlled by. I let God get the best of me that day.

So here is my adventure, a whole 24 hours dedicated to nothing but peace and satisfaction in God. It was a struggle to get to that point but I am glad that God was forcing me to just be still.

I started off at Mozart's coffee, I was ready for God to speak to me and ready to blog about it. I got my tea, headed out to the deck. sat by the lake and watched the ducks and turtles swim around. I was ready. Speak to me God. (Nothing says "God spoke to me" like hanging out in nature, it just seems to go hand and hand.) I began to get frustrated, distracted and way too eager to blog about something profound and funny, or about something God told me to blog about so that I appeared to be super holy! I sat there for an hour....and then nothing. My thoughts were still being consumed by making plans, how to finance my money this month, how I could squeeze in some more hours at work before leaving on vacation. Once again I found myself trying to strive for more. So after an hour of just sitting there, getting distracted by Facebook (that little devil) and tweeting up a storm, I decided to leave. I needed lunch after all. Next stop: Whole Foods.

I was excited about getting lunch at Whole Foods downtown, it is a place I like to visit often but don't really have the chance too. I have a Whole Foods by my apartment but it isn't the same as the one downtown...it's just not as fun. So I packed up my stuff and headed over there. If you aren't aware Whole Foods is like the mother ship for everything "Austin" so it fit perfectly into my plans of doing something different. After circling the parking lot for about 5 minutes, I was finally able to grab my lunch and I was ready to eat! I still wanted to do something even more Austin-y, so I took my lunch and headed over to Mount Bonnell. For those of you who aren't Austinites and are reading this, Mt. Bonnell is the highest point in Austin which also over looks Lake Austin (I just typed the word Austin a lot in one sentence!!). It is beautiful up there. Unfortunately my ex boyfriend and I used to go on dates up there but I was determined to change the memories of that place. It is too beautiful to not visit just because of a silly relationship. Anyway, I hiked the stairs up to the top and was ready to eat lunch and hear from God. Speak to me God, I am hanging out in nature again....why is this not working. I ate my lunch, and just waited. Still nothing. I was starting to become restless so I just finally had to stop or I was going to go insane. Somehow I managed to finish my lunch despite my lack of patience. I stayed up there for awhile, sitting in silence, looking at the birds and seeing how God provides for them in the form of a tiny french fry or whatever food was left over up there near the picnic site. My heart wanted to be content and still but my mind kept wandering. My thoughts weren't cooperating. I decided to take my talents elsewhere and head over to Mayfield park.


For those of you who also aren't familiar with Mayfield park, it is a place where peacocks run free, and you get to walk around with them, take pictures, have picnics and what not. Another Austin thing that I don't get to do often, and fortunately I had not been on a date there. Jackpot. I was determined to get my thoughts right, I was ready for God to show me some big things. I was hanging out with nature for the third time that day, that's got to mean something!! Still nothing.

It wasn't until later on that day that I realized I was being spoken to the whole day. God was never silent. I was just trying to listen to the wrong things. I wanted to hear amazing things that would knock me off my feet, I wanted God to wreck me and then wreck me again. It wasn't until I fully processed the day that I realized that God was forcing me to be still. I was surrounded by nature all day, but I was never fully in awe of the beauty of God's creation. I kept wanting God to speak to me but the thing is, he was. Through the ducks on the lake he was saying "Look at me." Through the view from Mt. Bonnell he was saying "Look at me." and by the beauty of the peacock's feathers he was saying "Look at me." God is most visible to me by looking at his creation, I am that crazy person who looks at clouds and smiles because God is just looking beautiful today! I wasn't seeing that though because I was striving, striving to be funny, witty, profound, successful, and find an identity in something. God wants me to be still, he wants me to remember that he provides. My job doesn't provide. My success doesn't provide and my good deeds don't provide. He speaks loud and clear when I am still, knowing that everything comes from Him. He is my provider and will never fail me.

“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” -Psalm 46:10

Must love homeless people

If I was to ever put out a personal ad in the newspaper, which I never would, it would read:

Single, (not really) white female seeks single, (not a jerk) male. Must love homeless people.

Seems like an odd request, right? It also seems like I don't really have high standards, I could add to that list but it might take away from my main point. I think you can tell a lot about a person's character by the way they treat homeless people. I would like to find someone who would possess those qualities that are shown when you help someone less fortunate: kindness, gentleness, selflessness, compassion. As I get older and find myself being more and more picky (not in a bad way) about the type of guys I want to associate myself with, I can't help but think this would be such an amazing quality to seek after. The way he serves others.
This sounds so romantic and glorious, like we would click instantly and then drive off into the sunset to some amazing Dierks Bentley song. However, it doesn't always work out that way. Just trust me on this one, I once went out on a date with a guy who told me a cool story about how he served a homeless man...then he turned out to be kinda shady. It was awesome.

As if my first dates weren't awkward enough, could you imagine breaking the ice with: "So, how do you feel about homeless people?" I guess I will never know until I try.

So heres to another year of singleness, or the possibility of finding a guy who finds this as cool as I do.


“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ " -Matthew 25:34-40

what do i know of Holy?

Throughout the day I have these random things that happen to me and I think I need to blog about that!! So I grab my little notebook out of my purse and I jot down ideas: say this, explain that, make this joke, mention this person, and so on. Well not one of those blog ideas has made it on to this page. It is very interesting actually, because I think it would be some good material. You would enjoy it, trust me. And now that I sound like a conceited jerk, I think that is exactly why they haven't made it on to this page, because I would be writing for my own glory so that you the reader would say: "Dang, she's funny. I like this girl." Every time I sit down to blog I get inspired to write about something else, something that is honest and shows the wonderful faithfulness of God, I just end up being stripped down to nothing and you get to see the real me. The girl who wanted to fight over Twitter, the one who has road rage, I talked about boobs in a blog about creation...you get to see my ashes but you also get to see the beauty. You get to see the beauty of knowing God. You get to see the ashes left from being dirty, messy and selfish but the beauty of the redeeming love of Christ. My ashes and His beauty.

I sometimes feel like I have this Christian thing down. I have experienced this awesome transformation of my heart through a broken relationship. I have experienced healing, forgiveness and redemption. My testimony just got ten times better and now it doesn't sound so boring!! (yes I really thought that at one point). I don't know all the theology but I can comprehend the Trinity, and I read books by Mark Driscoll so I should be golden, right? Right? Ummm...right? No. Wrong. I am wrong. I admit it. I know religion, I even know scripture but I haven't fully grasped it. And I realized this just now, as I sat down to blog about some random daily story it just hit me. God just hit me. Well, not literally because that would be weird but the thought of God's awesomeness, His bigness (is that a word?), His love, it just all hit me. How you ask? As I'm listening to songs shuffle on iTunes, I hear lyrics from a song by Addison Road that say:

"I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were mighty to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees."

That's me!! I don't want it to be me, but it is! I get so wrapped up in my daily life that I think reading a few C.S. Lewis tweets here and there will feed me spiritually. Subscribing to podcasts, buying Christian books, listening to the Spirit 105.9, reading Stuff Christians Like...that is my "daily bread". Sad isn't it. I go through the motions and I don't have quiet time and this is the stuff that feeds me. Don't get me wrong, it is all good stuff but it's not the Word. The Word will bring peace, rest and joy. The other stuff just fills me for about an hour, then I am back to be anxious, frustrated or stressed. Filling my life with "christian things" is kind of like eating chinese food, it's awesome and tastes good but two hours later I am hungry again and I want more. It didn't fill me, it didn't nourish my body and it wasn't the real deal for me. (Yes, I did just make that analogy but trust me I don't hate on chinese food...it's so good!) I will only experience the real deal, the real holiness of God if I spend time in the word. I can quote, retweet and share links with the best of them, but do I really know Holy? Do I know this:

"What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life "its" name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?"

It's a bitter pill to swallow when you think you are so in love with God and you realize that you don't know of this holiness. I have heard of it, I have experienced my share of cleansing in His love, but I don't know Holy.

So I want to challenge myself, make myself work for it and pray for it, I want to wake up every morning and ask:

"What do I know of HOLY?"

I don't only want to speak about it, I don't want to be fake about it, I want to know about it.

Blessings,
Traci

Things.

For now this is my blog layout, I don't like it. I don't like it one bit, actually. I have spent the past several days trying to find the perfect layout, I wanted one that would resemble a Word Press blog but I couldn't find one, so I settled...for now. It is amazing how much I stressed and worried about what my blog would look like. I wanted it to look legit, official, and stylin', but I have learned that is the words that I say, well the one's that God wants me to say, is really the only thing that matters. He could use this to speak to people if it was completely blank and plain. So that's all really. I have been super busy lately so I am sorry if you visit this page expecting something new, and instead just keep seeing different messed up layouts. Hopefully that has kept you entertained since I I have seriously been lacking in the writing department.
So until next time,
Adios.

Hello? Hola? Aloha?

Who reads this?

Who are you?

Where are you from?

How has God turned your ashes into beauty?

Tell me.

Please.

I want to know who actually reads this or am I just writing to a fake audience out there??

Just curious. :)

You give and take away

If there has been one lesson that I have learned in the past 24 hours, it would be best described by lyrics to a Matt Redman song:

"You give and take away, my heart will choose to say: Lord, blessed be Your name"

I feel like in the past 24 hours, I have just been a hot mess. I'm talking train wreck material here. When you have a string of bad luck it is hard not to dwell on it, get discouraged, pout, cry, scream, whatever your choice of "pity me" drama might be. When I get frustrated I revert back to the 3 year old version of myself, the one who spilled my drink all over my jeans on a plane ride to California, I screamed, I cried, I took my pants off and ran around the plane, except 23 years later I have learned to keep my pants on...I know I am not an attractive crier, I can't imagine me being pants-less would make the situation any more cute. I let frustration get the best of me sometimes, so after my string of bad luck I couldn't help but think today: "My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name." This is the horror God has so graciously helped me endure over the past 24 hours: Blessed be your name when I spill my iced coffee all down the front of my new white v-neck tee. Blessed be your name when I proceed to walk across the parking lot to a Wal-Mart to buy a Tide pen and my BlackBerry went sliding out of my hand and across the cement. Blessed be your name when the Tide pen left (big) splotchy off-white colored stains all down the front of my shirt. (NEXT DAY) Blessed by your name when I am in line at a Starbucks and an old man asks me if I am wearing my bath robe when I really just wore one of my favorite dresses and paired it with jeans because it was cool outside. Blessed be your name when the two drinks I bought flip upside down on the way to work and my car now smells like soy milk. And finally, blessed be your name when I am just sad, feel hopeless, discouraged, confused, annoyed, aggravated, and lonely.

Those words speak truth to me today, because I know that He gives but He also takes away, and He will only ever take away to replace it with His glory. His glory is worth walking around drenched in coffee. His glory is worth a busted up phone. His glory is worth a fashion disaster. His glory is worth making me less so that He may be greater. I have no problem going through these things if that's what it takes to remind me of His infinite love and goodness. I get so stuck on myself, that I forget to dwell on His goodness, instead of dwelling on my misfortune.

So as I sit here, in my "bath robe", drinking only half a cup of a soy latte, and dreading going back into my car after work only to be suffocated by the fumes of old milk, I can only think: "You give and take away, my heart will choose to say: Lord, blessed be Your name"

*Disclaimer: The massive consumption of coffee within the past two days comes from major lack of sleep. I still refuse to become an all out coffee drinker, I am simply testing out the waters, "getting my toes wet", so to speak.*

He's not finished with me yet

If I may be cheesy for a moment and borrow a line from a Gwen Stefani song to back up this blog post, you will have a better understanding of where I am coming from:

"It's my life, don't you forget."

Okay, now I will just add a little Christian spin on it and say: "It's my life, well the one that God planned for me, don't you forget." There, that's much better. (Hopefully I don't get slapped with a lawsuit for some sort for tampering with copyrighted lyrics, I will let you know how that plays out if so.) I prefer the "christian version" of the song better, because it reminds me that the life I am living is the life that God created for me, just for me. Lately I have been struggling with living a life that has been created by others, meeting their expectations and gaining their approval. What a sad and empty life if you really think about it, but why do so many of us still try to pursue it? Why are we (me) so easily swayed, broken down, molded and influenced by so many other people, and not so easily by Jesus?

Over the past three weeks I have been dwelling on conversations that I have had with certain people about the way I have chosen to currently live my life. Here is my world in a nutshell just in case you are not aware of my weekly whereabouts: Work full time at Starbucks, Work part-time for The University of Texas, volunteer at Austin LifeCare (a crisis pregnancy center), serve at my church and meet weekly with my Missional Community. I hate to sound conceited, but I like to think that I am not a lazy person. For those of you who don't know, I did not graduate from Texas Tech and I do not have a college degree...so shoot me. Get it? "Get your guns up!"...a little Texas Tech humor. I did not drop out of college, it wasn't too hard for me and I wasn't too lazy for it, it's just believe it or not I am not rich and I support myself, so that is just something that is not in my budget right now. So there, I just spilled the (personal) beans, but it's the truth. Here is an example of a conversation I had with a complete stranger that has really been bothering me, even though it happened a couple weeks ago. Please keep in mind that I do not know this man, he is someone that I was helping to purchase UT volleyball tickets...I do not even know his name, that is how much I don't know him!!

Man: "Are you a student at this fine University?"
Me: "No, I am actually not a student, but I did go to Texas Tech."
Man: "Did you graduate?"
Me: "No."
Man: "You really need to finish school."
Me: "Okay. (death glare) Would you like to purchase tickets to anymore games?"
Man: "You need to graduate and get your degree so you can make more money and better yourself."
Me: "So I've heard." (What I really wanted to say was "Why don't you mind your own business and learn to better yourself by not being a jerk?" But I love Jesus so my filter kicked in, and I would also like to keep my job.)

The torture finally ended, I think he got the hint after I ignored him and continued with the transaction as if the conversation had never happened. It got me thinking about how many times I judge other people. How many times do we add uneccessary commentary to other people's lives?

"Your car is pretty old, you should get a new one."
"Oh, your Louis Vuitton is fake?"
"When are you finally going to get married?"
You don't make enough money, that's not a good enough college, that person doesn't need help so they shouldn't be on the side of the road with a sign.
The list goes on and on (and on and on)

I have been dwelling on this for a couple weeks due to some comments that have been made towards me recently. One person said I need to finish school so I can stop working my "$7.50/hour job" (which is not even close to what I actually make), I have also been called someone's "next project". It is hard not to get discouraged and begin to question the plans that God has laid out for you when people around you obviously see something "wrong" with the way you are living. It really makes me pay more attention to what I say to others, or when I begin to judge them.

A couple months ago I sat down and really began to think about the way I was living and what was important to me. I had been telling myself that I have been blessed with a very different schedule from most people, I go into work so early that I get off at 12PM or 1PM and the rest of my day is free if I am not working at UT. I began to get convictions about the way I used my time. I had told myself for awhile that I wanted to find a way to serve my church and serve my city. It was something that I always wanted to do, but never actually did. So I wanted to take my blessings (my free time) and turn it into something that would be fruitful! I may be more busy now as I spend time at church and the pregnancy center, but I feel as if God is showing me His will through these different things. He created me to have a heart for certain ministries and certain people, so by serving them I feel as if I am fulfilling my purpose. My purpose doesn't have to come in the form of a degree hanging on my wall, it can come from the service work I do or spending time building relationships with the people God has placed in my life. Not being a college graduate has been something that has bothered me for years, but as I get more involved I see I was created for something different, and that is okay.

I feel like I am very sensitive when it comes to my plans and my future, so when I receive criticism from others I put my guard up, I get angry, and I feel like I have to constantly prove myself. By serving others and seeking out ways to live the way God wants me to it only reassures me that I am His creation and others might not get what I am doing, but He does and that is okay. I have known for awhile now that we are all created differently, we all serve a different purpose, we don't all share the same gifts and talents but that only makes us more valuable, not less. If that isn't the best news I've heard all week, I don't know what is?!?!

"But I have raised you up for this very purpose, that I might show you my power and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth." -Exodus 9:16

"Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me. The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O LORD, endures forever, do not abandon the works of your hands." -Psalm 138:7-8

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the LORD's purpose that prevails." -Proverbs 19:21

"...for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose." -Phillipians 2:13

"Still wonderin' why I'm here. Still wrestling with my fear
but oh... He's up to something, and the farther on I go, I've seen enough to know that I'm not here for nothin'...He's up to something." -Brandon Heath (Wait and See)

Baby Got Back?

*Disclaimer* I'm warning you, in this blog I use words such as butt, boobs and whore. Was it really necessary to use such language? Yes, it was and I'm stickin' to it. So...I warned you!

Do you ever wonder why we as girls wear short shorts, skimpy dresses or low cut shirts? I say we, but I don't mean myself because actually compared to most of the female population in Austin, TX I feel like I dress like a nun, some might say too modest but I like to work it. I will say we throughout this blog post though just because I don't want to leave myself out, I feel I am just as guilty as the next when it comes to being an attention whore in some aspects of my life, so no I am not perfect therefore I am not exempt. Yes, I said whore, that might possibly be awkward but I feel as if it is the perfect word to use, so please accept it. OK, going back to my first point. Why do girls wear those short "hoochie" shorts? I can tell you right now, there is probably no practical reason for having your butt cheeks hang out, let's be honest. Do they think that during the summer if their rear is hanging out of their shorts, they suddenly feel 10 degrees cooler? No? OK then there is no reason to have that exposed. There is a reason they say "where the sun don't shine" when they are talking about your butt, because us normal American girls don't want the sun shining there...so please, keep it in the shade. How about skimpy dresses? You know the ones where it look like you accidentally raided the clearance rack at Gap Kids? How is a skimpy dress practical? You can't bend over, you can't run, and you can't walk up stairs without flashing everyone below you and you pretty much can't go anywhere that there might be a possibility of the wind actually blowing. And last but definitely not least, low cut shirts. Did I miss the memo on this one? Do you gain some sort of super human power by having your boobs exposed? As far as I can tell this one isn't practical at all, and you are just showing off something that we already have, so we don't care to see it. They make regular shirts, that fit regular people for a reason, so let's all embrace them and wear them.

This little rant and rave might seem kind of random, genius, but still random. Actually, it is response to an article I just read on AOL news about a female sports reporter who "claims" she was sexually harassed with catcalls in the locker room of the Jet's football team while conducting an interview. Now, I am not justifying that type of behavior from a guy, but when you dress the way she does and flaunt your assets (see attached picture), what do you expect? I am a girl and I don't even take women who are sports reporters and dress like that seriously. I can guarantee she wasn't dressing like that to prove that she was just so smart, nope she was dressing like that to gain attention. How do I know? Because I've done it too, except with a lot less boob and not as much butt, I like to dress for attention in my own sort of nunnery kinda way.

So where is this all going Traci? Why all the hostility? Well, because it bothers me that girls dress provocatively and then get upset when they get verbally harassed. Really? What were you expecting, for people to sing your praises? Nope, all we see is boob, and more boob, so that charming, caring and kind personality you have is overshadowed by that onesie you are wearing. I am not a man, obviously, so therefore I do not think like a man but I do know that we have to be sensitive to what sets them off. It also bothers me that girls dress like that to family friendly environments. Please don't subject everyone to seeing that. Please. I know this is gross, but next time you are tempted to show off 95% of your flesh just imagine what it feels like to have your dad looking at that. Gross right? Right. So just tell yourself: "By dressing like that I am grossing people out." Easy solution? I'd like to think so but I know I will have those who disagree.

I feel bad attaching a Bible verse to this post. Mainly because I feel like what I said can come off as a whole lot of bashing. But it was all out of love, because once you realize that your body isn't all that, and will one day shrivel up, you will still have a peace with the type of woman God has created you to be. When I think of creation, I think of things I can touch, feel and see and I forget to describe us as being created to be kind, intelligent, selfless and compassionate. I think if God felt that our looks were as important as we think they are, He wouldn't have given us a verse that convinces us to think otherwise:

"I also want women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God." -1 Timothy 2:9-10

So there is it, plain and simple. No if-s or but-s about it. So the next time I am getting dressed, I will think: "Is this outfit appropriate for someone who professes to worshiping God?" Convicting, isn't it?

When Christians make fun of Christian athletes

This is going to be quick. I won't dwell on this one too much but I am pretty much confused on this one:

Christians who make fun of Tim Tebow.
(Really????)

Reasons why I think this is ridiculous:
1. Aren't we supposed to support and encourage one another?
2. Someone who is obviously very passionate about their relationship with God should be an encouragement not cause us to make fun of him (or her).
3. Last time I checked Tim Tebow did not own his own sports broadcasting company, therefore all of the news coverage on ESPN, FOX or any other station was their own choice to report on it, not Tebows...so get over it... :)
4. So you don't like that he won 2 national championships and a heisman?? That's weird...because that's more than I have won so I can't rag on him for that!
5. I am not really sure what is so wrong about someone crying because they lost a SEC championship game. If you watch sports now, more than likely you played sports in high school. So remember that time you cried when you played in your last senior game...in high school. Or that time you probably cried when you lost that close game against your biggest rival...in high school. So what's my point? We cried about things in high school...not the flippin' SEC.

I admit, in the years past I have had a hard time liking the Oklahoma football team (mainly because they man handled Tech after their huge win against Texas) but when I saw this video of Sam Bradford I was blown away!! I might not like the team but there is no way I could not be encouraged by Sam Bradford's words and actions. So what is the difference between Bradford and Tebow??

I guess I will never win on this topic...

My first Twitter #fail

It was bound to happen. I felt it coming. How could I not avoid it, my tweets aren't protected, afterall...it was my first Twitter fail. What is this "fail" that I speak of? Well it's the first time I flat out embarrassed myself over Twitter for the whole World Wide Web to see.

I am still fairly new to this Twitter game, I think I am going on 5 months of tweeting like nobody's business. I had always kept my tweets to myself. I follow a bunch of celebrities but I could NEVER imagine replying to them!! How...embarassing! Well I got over myself and decided to reply to a "celeb", my first victim? Bethenny Frankel from The Real Housewives of New York. To this day I have never heard back from her but that's okay. I've tweeted a few people here and there, but I've made sure to not become a celebrity stalker...I imagine that might make me look bad, and maybe a little crazy too. So I took this new found Twitter freedom to a whole new level, I actually replied to a "real" person. I know, I know, what was I thinking?!? I don't know what came over me, I just felt like my tweet would be welcomed with open arms and embraced with warm and fuzzy words that could only be expressed in 140 characters. But...I was wrong...so, so wrong! Let me explain.

The night of Tim Tebow's NFL debut, "TimTebow" was of course a streaming topic on Twitter. If you aren't familiar with Twitter, you can just click on a topic that is listed on the side of your homepage and it will take you to a page with a bunch of tweets that mention the name Tim Tebow (and you know I love Tim, so I had to check it out). Well Carmelo Anthony (my second favorite athlete) tweeted "Denver better start Tim Teboe" (yes, it was misspelled) in response to Tebow scoring a touchdown. Well someone replied to Carmelo and said that he better show some respect and spell Tebow's name right. I felt like I not only needed to stick up for Carmelo but Tebow as well (yes I am dumb for thinking that, and yes I've embraced it). I replied to that user and said "Maybe he was tweeting on his phone, we all make mistakes on our phones and misspell things." Well, needless to say, her response was not one that I was expecting. In my head, I thought maybe I could make a friend on Twitter that lives on the other side of the country and we can tweet back and forth and live happily ever after. Nope. She was mean...and evil...and ruthless. I can't remember her exact response but it was something along the lines of "Did you actually reply to my tweet? You need to get out more if that is what you do for fun." Oh no she didn't!! I was pissed (yes I said pissed, sorry Grandma) and it didn't stop there. I wanted to Twitter fight this fool, someone hold my weave because I am ready to throw down! (I don't have a weave, but I want one for the sole purpose of ever being in a fight and being able to actually say that!! It would be awesome!) I wanted to make her feel dumb with all my smart words, I wanted to make her cry. How could she be so mean? I was just trying to be friendly. I wanted to be rude right back to her. Of course, God chimes in and says: "Love her". Ummmm, really??? It's Twitter, I will never see her face to face, I can just be mean and she will never meet me, it's ok trust me. But I still kept hearing that little voice that said: "Love her." But I don't want to love her, in fact I really would like nothing more than to scream at her right now but I couldn't shake those two words, love her. I didn't reply right away, I was hoping that I could just blow it off and not even deal with it. We do that sometimes as Christians, blow things off just so we don't have to do EXACTLY what God would like us to do. Technically I would not be doing anything bad because I wouldn't be saying anything mean, but that still wouldn't be showing her love either. I felt that God wanted me to reply with caring and compassionate words to show her that you may be mad at me, but that doesn't mean I will be mad at you too. Dang, it was hard. So I waited a bit and then I replied, I told her that I was sorry that she felt that way and I was just trying to be friendly. Once again her response was rude and once again I wanted to bite her head off but God said: Love her. Our tweets went back and forth for awhile. She was mean and I was nice (actually God was nice, if it were up to me, I'd be evil...pure evil). Our conversation eventually ended well, we aren't Twitter BFFs but we aren't talking smack to each other either.

I think it's funny the different ways God teaches us to love others. Something as little as a Twitter brawl hopefully planted a seed in this girl's life to show her that people who love Jesus will love you too. I don't need a pat on the back, or a comment full of praises for being the bigger person because it wasn't my choice. Like I said if it was up to me, we would have battled, fought to the death...or just pulled each others hair. God works through us to show others His love. He was the one with kind words, He showed the patience, He is the potter and I am just His clay. It's amazing how much we can learn about ourselves and about God through just one little Twitter #fail.

Don't be a door stopper

Do you ever feel like doors are being slammed in your face left and right? Now, I don't mean actual doors, however that could apply too if you'd like, but I mean those missed opportunities and failed relationships, things like that. Have you gone through a season in your life where you begin to wonder if God maybe forgot about you and your plans? Well we know God doesn't forget about us courtesy of Deuteronomy 31:8: "It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed." So if God goes before us, He can't forget about us, in fact He is preparing the way for our next journey. So that "door" that just got shut in your face, I think it was God's way of saying "That wasn't good enough for you." He saw what was ahead, He knew what would happen, and like the loving God that He is, He closed that door to protect you.

Now, I don't know about you but I don't always see that as protection, I get mad and frustrated that things aren't going my way. Why didn't I get that job? Why wasn't I allowed to finish school at Texas Tech? Why didn't this relationship work out? And my personal favorite: Why aren't things going the way I planned, where did I go wrong? So when I run after that closing door and stick my foot in it to prop it open I always get hurt, stuck or injured. Trying to do it my own way only causes pain, because a slamming door isn't meant to be stopped by your hand or foot...you have to just let it close. I have to remind myself of this analogy so that I will allow God to do what is best and stop fighting it.

I have wasted so much time dwelling on missed opportunities or failed relationships. I have sat on the doorstep crying, wondering why I have been shut out, and why I can't just be let in? I think my heart will change and my life will have peace when I start seeing the slamming doors as blessings. If my hope truly does come from the Lord, then I will find joy in the fact that another door will open and it will be prepared for me...I don't know about you but that makes my heart happy. A journey created just for me by the God that I love so much!

I've had a door close on me just this week, and it stinks but I think the words in this verse bring me more hope than that one thing ever could have provided:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you," delares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity." Jeremiah 29:11-14


AMEN!

Does this blog make my butt look big?

"Um...excuse me Miss, but your insecurity is showing."

As women, I bet we all wish we would have someone that would follow us around and whisper that to us in our most insecure times. Why in the world would we want to know that? Well, because insecurity is not attractive. There is nothing attractive about being paranoid, self conscious and needy, but yet we all suffer from it. We let our flaws get the best of us, and we get nothing in return. It is a lose/lose situation. I see women helping each other out all the time, letting them know when their tag is showing, when they have something in their teeth, or better yet when their dress is tucked into their undergarments. So why would it be so wrong to say: "I'm sorry, but your insecurity is showing today and it is really freaking me out." I'll tell you why, because any girl would go crazy on you! You wouldn't stand a chance...there has to be a way to fix this problem, but how? I want a solution! I want to save the world from insecure women, and my first client would be: ME.

In the past year I feel like God has really put Women's Ministry on my heart. I can't figure out why just yet, especially since I am the type of person who just can't stand girls sometimes (yes that includes myself). Let me clarify that statement, I can't stand girls who are vulgar, fall over drunk and go out on the town half naked. I have always had a low tolerance for that kind of behavior, so for me to suddenly have a soft spot for them is definitely the Lord's work. I see girls who behave like this and all I can say is: "Why? You don't have to be like that, it won't kill you to be yourself. Trust me, I go out in public modestly dressed and I am still alive and kicking." I think He began to plant this seed while I was working with middle school girls for several years. I began to see just how influential they are and how insecurity is their #1 accessory. I was a middle school girl at one time, why didn't it break my heart like it does now? Well first off, I was 14 and the only thing I cared about was what Justin Timberlake's favorite color was (baby blue if you were wondering, and yes that is creepy that I still remember), and secondly, God didn't speak to me like He does now. I can see now just how ridiculous it is to care so much about so little. I want to write a book to girls, but who would buy a book that only contains one page? And that page would read: "STOP CARING SO MUCH! It's true, as women we over analyze, over compensate and over accessorizes, sometimes all in one day! I believe there are 3 classic cases of insecurity that every girl struggles with (actually there is probably 100, but neither you or I have the patience to go through each one). So I invite you to grab a box of chocolates or a cup of coffee as we explore the dark and dirty world know as INSECURITY.

Relationships:
I figured I would get this one out of the way first, kind of like ripping off a band-aid...let's just be done with it. So how many of us can say that we have been with someone where not a hint of jealousy or insecurity dwelled in the relationship? Good now that none of us have raised our hands, we are on the same page. I believe relationships can be God's ultimate blessing, or the breeding ground for all of Satan's dirty work. We can find joy and peace with the one that God created just for us, or we can turn green with envy and go Incredible Hulk on any girl that looks at our man. To say you have not been there would be a lie, so let's just embrace the truth. I've done it. Would you like to hear a story? Okay, okay, if you insist. When I was 21 I was dating the love of my life (he wasn't and I like to claim temporary insanity for that poor life choice) and I just thought he was IT. Nothing else mattered, and my whole family hated him, with good reason too, but I did not care. Well, one day I discovered text messages from another girl on his phone, and when I confronted him about the proper things to say to this girl, he told me I could just send the text myself. Rule #1 ladies, any guy who lets you do the dirty work needs to either be slapped or kicked to the curb, he should be the one who knows what is appropriate and what is not. He must be willing to take care of it. Okay, back to the story. I ended up sending her a message that said something like "I don't think it is appropriate for you to be texting me when I have a girlfriend." Her response: "You're dumb." Dang it, she knew it was me! How? Because she knew he would never say something like that, after all he liked her. I was ready to slap that fake tan right off the girl! (Disclaimer: I did not know then what it was like to love Jesus as much as I do now.) So who ended up looking like the crazy one? Me. Never take a guys phone and text the girl, not only does it make you look crazy, it makes you seem insecure...well, because you are insecure. I wasn't secure enough in myself, and my relationship with God to leave this situation and know that He had a better plan for me. I stuck around for a year and a half, and it didn't stop with texts from another girl, it escalated into so much more. I see girls (including myself) putting so much hope and faith into the guy they are dating. I see it plastered all over FaceBook and it's all they can talk about. Don't get me wrong, I think relationships are wonderful but if you have to recap every single aspect of your relationship for the world to see, I really think it's your insecurity whispering in your ear, saying: "I'm heeeeere!!" Every time I get disappointed because a date doesn't go the way I'd like it to, I just have to tell myself: The joy of the Lord is my strength! Most of the time it turns out that weeks, months or years later I find out things about the guy that makes me glad I dodged that bullet, and it makes me really thankful that I serve a God who only has my best interests at heart.

Body Issues:
We all have them, a body that is, and all the issues that go along with it. Have you ever gotten straight out of bed, looked in the mirror and thought "Dang, I look good!" Probably not, maybe a coat of foundation, a hint of bronzer, and a layer of lip gloss later and you'd feel confident in saying those words...but right out of bed? No. Do you dwell on the fact that your legs don't go on for miles, or that your feet are too big and your hair is too frizzy? I do, and then some. I've got hips, why can't I work them like Beyonce? How come my fake eyelashes never look like Kim Kardashians? Well this diet didn't work for me, but she lost 20 pounds doing it? My constant obsession with the way that I look only gives me false hope, it causes me to find my satisfaction in something that will fade, and nothing can be promising about that! My mascara will smear and my lipstick will fade, but the true joy found only through Christ is what really makes me "beautiful". So why isn't that enough? Why don't I truly believe it? Well, when was the last time a guy told you that your relationship with Christ is what makes you beautiful? Unless you are lucky girl, you probably haven't heard that too much. So I'd like to challenge myself in remembering to tell my friends that more often. I think that would be a good place to start in our attempts at regaining our self confidence.

"Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." -Proverbs 31:30

Lifestyle
"Diamonds are a girls best friend." "Money can't buy happiness but it sure can make you look good." How many of us have believed these lies? *Guilty* Why do you think I work so much? Surely it's not just to pay bills, it's because I want to keep up with the lifestyles around me. I want to be the modern day Jones, who doesn't? I want that girls Louis Vuitton purse, oh and throw in her Ranger Rover while you're at it...I'll take it all! We are always striving for something better than what we have been blessed with. We want better jobs, bigger paychecks and richer husbands (unfortunately for some, that is true). Shop at Walmart? No thanks. Settle for Old Navy instead of Nordstroms? I'll pass. (I love Old navy by the way!) The world has wired us to always want the best of the best, but God has wired us to seek Him as our provider: "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" -Matthew 6:26 My heart should not be content with designer labels, it should only be content with the label God has put on me, His child. I am His child, and just as my parents provided for me, He will do the same. So, my insecurities get the best of me when I focus on what I don't have and when I try (and fail) to define success under my own circumstances.

So how do we fight these pesky burdens? How do we tame the insecurities within us? Trusting in God's word of course. So believe it or not, I am all out of words. I can't think of a good way to end this, but I think a list of Scripture might be the best way to encourage us. Below are some of the verses I have used to fight off the devil antics. They bring encouragement to me, so hopefully they will do the same for you!

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well." -Psalm 139:14

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." -Romans 12:2

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes." -Ephesians 6:10-11

"Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days." -Psalm 90:14

A Family Affair

I actually like my family. That is a very true statement. In fact, I actually hang out more with them than I do my own friends. (But that doesn't mean I love my friends any less either) I write this blog to clear up some preconceived notions that one might have about my family and I: That we are mean to each other. Where do they get this nonsense? Well, the same place everyone else gets their hard hitting evidence, of course: FaceBook. Oh dreaded FaceBook, how I hate thee sometimes...and how I regret convincing my whole family to jump on board the FaceBook train. It's true, I like to consider myself as the pioneer of the group, the one who stepped out alone, braved the storm known as the drama on FaceBook, and ask them to tag along. So, like any family, we tend to communicate a lot over FaceBook (but we definitely don't lack in the phone calls or text messages either!) and everyone and their mom (literally) gets to view our businazz (business for those that are challenged in the area of ghetto slang). (Sorry that sentence has a lot of parentheses but I refuse to edit it. You're welcome.) So all of our digs, disses, jokes, slams or anything else you would like to call them, convientiely appears on everyones news feed to read. Some people jump in the conversation, some probably just think that I am an evil person, and some think it's funny. I personally like the ones who think it's funny, because let's be honest anything that you will see on FaceBook will not actually be serious. We may be Mexican, but we are too classy to fight over the internet, and you can take that to the bank!

If I may sound conceited for a moment, everyone always tells me that I am too sweet, so nice and innocent so they are shocked to see me telling my sister to lose weight (joke) or that she needs to get over her dream of modeling for Victoria Secret and settle for Gap Kids (she is 28 and a size 0...how could not seize that opportunity to crack a joke). I am told all the time that I need to be nicer to my sister. My response: The things she tells me can't be posted on FaceBook, my jokes are just child's play compared to hers.

So here is my chance, my attempt to regain my title as "the nice one" and tell all of you out there in the land of FaceBook, Blogger and Twitter that I do not hate my family. We have a close bond, one that can only be held together by jokes, hitting each other and constant put downs. Trust me, it is completely normal!

Still not convinced? Well how about the time that I threatened to beat up a guy who looked like he just stepped out of a "I work out too much, my muscles are about to explode all over your face, and my Affliction shirt is blinding you" Magazine because he did my sister wrong. How about the fact that my sister and I make sure we are off of work to attend every single one of my brother's football games? Or that we always get each other gifts as a family on Valentines day? And that we let Matthew become our temporary 3rd roommate for the summer? I have a lot more reasons to back up my statement but they can't be listed here because you, the reader, might think we have formed our own personal little family mafia....so you're just going to have to take my word for it. Or you can take a look at our family pictures and see that we actually do love each other. So next time you see my sister call me Snookie, or Matthew trying to punch me in the arm, or Haley calling all of us a freak you can say: "That is so sweet!!" So here we are:

When you see us on days like this-







Always remember that we do have days like these- (and they seem to out weigh the bad)

















So there you have it, the ultimate proof that we do, in fact, love each other.

"My comfort would prefer for me to be numb..."

Lately I have been struggling with something that is starting to drive me a little bit crazy. Now before I tell you what it is, you have to promise me one thing, that you won't think I am a horrible person. Ok, we good? I have found my self struggling with liking people. I am not talking about "Oh, I like this guy, he is so cute." I just mean being able to tolerate certain people. I don't know what brought this on either. I don't consider myself to be a mean person, and I think I do a good job of handling myself well around people that are completely opposite of me, so why do I find myself getting all hot and bothered a lot easier now?

Let me expand on this "liking" business a bit. But before I do, I would like to ask you to open your mind a bit to what I have to say. Put your hand in a fist if it keeps you from shaking a finger at me, because have you ever been annoyed by someone? (Yes) Bothered so much by someone that you call your best friend up to vent? (Yes) Or yelled at someone in traffic? (Yes, yes, yes) Ok good, now that we have cleared that up, I will proceed. I am having a hard time following God's commandment to love my neighbor as myself. I mean, think about it, that is a huge commandment. Think about how much you love yourself, you work hard to support yourself, you are the first one to stick up for yourself, and think of all the things you dream about one day spoiling yourself with, and most of us always put ourselves first. So that is how I love myself, and I am supposed treat my neighbor and coworkers like that?? Man, I am way off!! I am having a hard time liking some of the people God has put in my life, I can't imagine what it would be like to love them!! But no matter what this person is like, what they have done to me, or if they will ever like me, His commandment remains the same: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no "but" and "only when", it is a law that has no circumstances.

So today was the day that God wanted to drill that into my head a little bit deeper. On the way home from work I was listening to KLOVE (love that station) and they were interviewing Lincoln Brewster and how his new cd is about putting his faith into deeds. He said something that hit me like a ton of bricks. He said that one thing we could do to turn our faith into deeds is buying the guy in line behind you at Starbucks his cup of coffee. He said that you never know if that person might be asking God to speak to him and show him that He's real. Dang, that was intense. So I gave up and let God finish making His point. I don't think it was a coincidence that God had me hearing that, I know He wants to change that hardened part of my heart where I find it just a little bit harder to be nice to those who wrong me. (And by a little bit, I mean a lot)

I started to think about all the people who I've been upset, angry or annoyed with in the past couple months and how hard it would be to love them. Talk about a humbling experience. The hardest part about loving all of them is I can't pick and chose, after all His commandment doesn't say "Only love the neighbor who wronged you but said sorry first", nope, I am called to love everyone. So this was an awkward time for me, because I kept trying to think of another topic, I didn't want to come face to face with this realization. I mean seriously, does God not know about that person who said those things about me when I didn't even do anything to them?? Or how about that lady who said something hurtful about my mom? Or the man who cut me off, took my parking spot and then shot me the bird?? He is supposed to be a gentlemen for crying out loud!! But like I said, I can't pick and chose. I have to love them all, equally...and it's hard. I want to be the victim, feel sorry for myself and tell everyone how I was wronged. I want to be the princess of my pity party and have everyone attend! But God would rather I take a deep breath, relax, meditate on His grace and give it back to that person.

Well, God threw me another little curve ball. Not only was He pretty much telling me to get over myself (in a nice way, of course), He now proceeds to tell me that He wants me to buy coffee for the next person who wrongs me on my next trip to Starbucks. Woah, woah, wait....so that guy in his fancy car who speeds past me and takes the only spot up front...you want me to buy him his coffee? But I can guarantee he has more money than me, and why should I reward his bad behavior? He is never going to learn his lesson if someone is nice to him. I'll tell you how he will learn his lesson...if I punch him. I bet he will watch how he treats women a lot more carefully! (Oh by the way, I've never punched someone, I just like how it sounds. I can assure you that if I tried to punch someone I would probably miss their face...or break my hand. So no need to get all in a frenzy.) Well after the thoughts of punching him left my mind, a feeling of guilt and conviction covered me like a dark cloud. Where would I be if every time I did something wrong God sent someone to cross my path who would just punch me? I bet my faith wouldn't be strengthened and I wouldn't be encouraged to seek Him, my heart would just grow cold, bitter and frustrated.

So I find myself faced with a new challenge, one that will require me to put myself aside, let go of my pride and do something for someone who totally doesn't deserve it. I know it will be hard, I know that it is going to be painful but the work of the Lord is not easy. I have to always be second so that He will always be first. ("He must become greater; I must become less." John 3:30) I will be sure to let you know how it goes, I can only pray that the Lord will be faithful and use this as an opportunity to create a stirring in someone's heart. I hope for seeds to be planted and lives to be changed. Maybe we can do this together? We all have those bad days and pesky run ins with complete strangers, how would lives be changed if we were to completely surprise them and react in a way that they weren't expecting? I believe that God uses people who are humble, and what's more humbling than putting someone first who just doesn't deserve it?

So if you chose to join me please feel free to share with me your experience. I am always open to encouragement and support! :)
Blessings,
Traci

"I won't find what I am looking for if I only "see" by keeping score." -Brooke Fraser

Hard Questions.

Every now and then a topic comes along and buries itself in my mind. I can't stop thinking about it, I dwell on it and it manifests itself in my every day thoughts. For some reason this topic was a big one, one that I would need God's help in trying to figure out: How do I know there is a God? Why do I believe what I believe? Woah, talk about big stuff. Why was God putting this in my mind? I know that I believe so why was he wanting me to explain it...to myself? Why did the thoughts cross my mind everyday? I couldn't figure out why I kept thinking about that question, it's not like I live in a land where I defend my faith on a daily basis. I have been a believer for awhile and no one has ever flat out asked me that question (until now). I began thinking of bullet points that would outline the sequence of thoughts if I was ever to be approached with that question. All I could come up with was things that I had felt or heard from God. How do you explain to someone that you feel God, or hear Him? A unbeliever would think I sit around petting and talking to a burning bush, and that is just absurd. You never want to start out witnessing to someone with them thinking you are crazy, I just don't see that playing out very well. So I began to get frustrated, I wanted to be poetic like C.S. Lewis and spitting out theology left and right like Mark Driscoll, but I am just Traci and I am neither poetic or a theologian, so I had to put my feelings into words. With God leading the way I couldn't go wrong, right? Riiiighhht.

I was contacted via email by a guy who wanted to know more about my faith, he was confused and wanted answers. Well, this is what God was preparing me for and this was His time to shine. After a couple email exchanges, the time came (last night) when I got asked about my faith. Dun dun dun, all those thoughts and feelings had to be put into words, where would I begin, how would I say "God spoke to me" without sounding like a complete loon. Well, I put myself aside and prayed that the Holy Spirit would speak through me, that the words I typed out would not be my own but His. In the end I wanted to say "these are God's words, not mine." So I began to type, my fingers were like speed demons, no pun intended, and the Holy Spirit was on a roll.

I thought it would be cool to share our conversation so far. I understand that I am not perfect, I am not a preacher and my response might not meet up to your expectations but I know God is working through this and that is good enough for me. :) This guy will be known as "guy" and I will not reveal who is he or where he is from, I want to keep this private and sacred because it is so stinkin cool for God to be doing this!!

Guy: I would love to be encouraged by your faith. I am confused and would like to hear your take on God.

Traci: No need to be confused, the best thing about Him is that you can come as you are and He transforms your life. :)

Guy: I have known him and can't understand a lot of things. I just believed whatever the pastor said before, and found a lot of flaws. Yahweh which is the Hebrew name for God demands faith which I know you understand. However, there are so many things in the bible that are not logical. On the flip side, there are so many things that make sense to me. The only thing right now that keeps me still drawn in, is fear of the eternal flames that have been embedded in my mind.

Traci: This is a pretty loaded email, and while I don't have all the answers I feel like I can pass along some things to you that can give you peace and maybe breathe a little
lighter about the situation.

I know you said that you don't understand a lot of things and they don't seem logical so I am not going to bombard you with a lot of theology. That is the great part about "knowing" God, to be a believer you don't have to be a Bible scholar, it's about faith and trust and believing that what He did on the cross was true. When you believe that and your relationship with God begins to grow, He starts revealing things to you. I am not talking about God speaking in a booming voice and burning bushes, I think God speaks to me when I have convictions or guilt, or when something just clicks in my mind that I know I am not capable of coming up with myself. I know there is a God, not because I have seen Him but because I feel Him, I feel Him when I don't want to be nice to people but I know that I have to, or when I help people in need even if I am struggling financially or just not in the mood. The gospel isn't about rules, it is acknowledging that we are broken and in need of a Savior, it is when you give up your need to figure everything out that you can really enjoy that relationship with God. It becomes intimate and personal. Even when I have a bad day, or I feel guilt and regret, it is so awesome to have that voice in the back of my mind that says it's ok and God is bigger, and that voice is the Holy Spirit.

I have been a Christian for almost 16 years and I still don't understand all the scientific and theological facts behind some Bible stories but I just trust that everything in God's word in true and perfect. If I believe that the Gospel saves me, and that is from God's word, then I have to have a peace about all the other things the Bible says as well, it is not my place to pick and choose what I can believe.

I hope this helps you out a little bit, and like I said the more you spend time seeking God (in prayer or in His word) He will begin to speak to you, help you understand and all the doubts begin to fade and you just have this desire to learn more about Him.

God's word has promised us that as a believer we don't have to worry about those eternal flames. He has conquered and overcome it and it is through His mercy that we are saved from that! Pretty awesome, huh? :)

I hope this helps you a bit, and I know I don't have all the answers but please feel free to ask anything else.

Hope you had a good day!
Traci


So that is how I explained my faith, with no theology required. While I love theology, and learning more about God, I just couldn't put the way I see and feel God into big holy words. I experienced something more than that a couple years ago, I experienced grace, love and mercy. I experienced forgiveness when I shouldn't have been forgiven at all. God could have left me in that pit, but He called me out and hasn't let go of me since. Shouldn't everyone hear about of those feelings? :)