"My comfort would prefer for me to be numb..."

Lately I have been struggling with something that is starting to drive me a little bit crazy. Now before I tell you what it is, you have to promise me one thing, that you won't think I am a horrible person. Ok, we good? I have found my self struggling with liking people. I am not talking about "Oh, I like this guy, he is so cute." I just mean being able to tolerate certain people. I don't know what brought this on either. I don't consider myself to be a mean person, and I think I do a good job of handling myself well around people that are completely opposite of me, so why do I find myself getting all hot and bothered a lot easier now?

Let me expand on this "liking" business a bit. But before I do, I would like to ask you to open your mind a bit to what I have to say. Put your hand in a fist if it keeps you from shaking a finger at me, because have you ever been annoyed by someone? (Yes) Bothered so much by someone that you call your best friend up to vent? (Yes) Or yelled at someone in traffic? (Yes, yes, yes) Ok good, now that we have cleared that up, I will proceed. I am having a hard time following God's commandment to love my neighbor as myself. I mean, think about it, that is a huge commandment. Think about how much you love yourself, you work hard to support yourself, you are the first one to stick up for yourself, and think of all the things you dream about one day spoiling yourself with, and most of us always put ourselves first. So that is how I love myself, and I am supposed treat my neighbor and coworkers like that?? Man, I am way off!! I am having a hard time liking some of the people God has put in my life, I can't imagine what it would be like to love them!! But no matter what this person is like, what they have done to me, or if they will ever like me, His commandment remains the same: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no "but" and "only when", it is a law that has no circumstances.

So today was the day that God wanted to drill that into my head a little bit deeper. On the way home from work I was listening to KLOVE (love that station) and they were interviewing Lincoln Brewster and how his new cd is about putting his faith into deeds. He said something that hit me like a ton of bricks. He said that one thing we could do to turn our faith into deeds is buying the guy in line behind you at Starbucks his cup of coffee. He said that you never know if that person might be asking God to speak to him and show him that He's real. Dang, that was intense. So I gave up and let God finish making His point. I don't think it was a coincidence that God had me hearing that, I know He wants to change that hardened part of my heart where I find it just a little bit harder to be nice to those who wrong me. (And by a little bit, I mean a lot)

I started to think about all the people who I've been upset, angry or annoyed with in the past couple months and how hard it would be to love them. Talk about a humbling experience. The hardest part about loving all of them is I can't pick and chose, after all His commandment doesn't say "Only love the neighbor who wronged you but said sorry first", nope, I am called to love everyone. So this was an awkward time for me, because I kept trying to think of another topic, I didn't want to come face to face with this realization. I mean seriously, does God not know about that person who said those things about me when I didn't even do anything to them?? Or how about that lady who said something hurtful about my mom? Or the man who cut me off, took my parking spot and then shot me the bird?? He is supposed to be a gentlemen for crying out loud!! But like I said, I can't pick and chose. I have to love them all, equally...and it's hard. I want to be the victim, feel sorry for myself and tell everyone how I was wronged. I want to be the princess of my pity party and have everyone attend! But God would rather I take a deep breath, relax, meditate on His grace and give it back to that person.

Well, God threw me another little curve ball. Not only was He pretty much telling me to get over myself (in a nice way, of course), He now proceeds to tell me that He wants me to buy coffee for the next person who wrongs me on my next trip to Starbucks. Woah, woah, wait....so that guy in his fancy car who speeds past me and takes the only spot up front...you want me to buy him his coffee? But I can guarantee he has more money than me, and why should I reward his bad behavior? He is never going to learn his lesson if someone is nice to him. I'll tell you how he will learn his lesson...if I punch him. I bet he will watch how he treats women a lot more carefully! (Oh by the way, I've never punched someone, I just like how it sounds. I can assure you that if I tried to punch someone I would probably miss their face...or break my hand. So no need to get all in a frenzy.) Well after the thoughts of punching him left my mind, a feeling of guilt and conviction covered me like a dark cloud. Where would I be if every time I did something wrong God sent someone to cross my path who would just punch me? I bet my faith wouldn't be strengthened and I wouldn't be encouraged to seek Him, my heart would just grow cold, bitter and frustrated.

So I find myself faced with a new challenge, one that will require me to put myself aside, let go of my pride and do something for someone who totally doesn't deserve it. I know it will be hard, I know that it is going to be painful but the work of the Lord is not easy. I have to always be second so that He will always be first. ("He must become greater; I must become less." John 3:30) I will be sure to let you know how it goes, I can only pray that the Lord will be faithful and use this as an opportunity to create a stirring in someone's heart. I hope for seeds to be planted and lives to be changed. Maybe we can do this together? We all have those bad days and pesky run ins with complete strangers, how would lives be changed if we were to completely surprise them and react in a way that they weren't expecting? I believe that God uses people who are humble, and what's more humbling than putting someone first who just doesn't deserve it?

So if you chose to join me please feel free to share with me your experience. I am always open to encouragement and support! :)
Blessings,
Traci

"I won't find what I am looking for if I only "see" by keeping score." -Brooke Fraser