Cry baby? That's me!

I'm not an emotional person. At all. What so ever. Up until recently, I would rarely hug my friends. I don't post emotional FaceBook status updates. You will never hear me spilling my guts about my latest crush (unless it is sarcastic and funny.) Oh, and I don't cry in public. Well now that I sound like a horrible heartless person, let me explain to you why I still have friends. I feel like I am always there for them, I tell them I love them and I enjoy being in fellowship together. Ok, so with that said, I'm not too bad, right? Back to the emotional crazy talk, lately I have been a cry baby. I am crying, and I don't like it. Now this isn't a "pity me" cry, this is a "my God is so good, how have I not realized these things before" kinda crying.

On the first tuesday of every month my church has a service dedicated to worship, group prayer and baptism. Last night I went with some of the girls in my small group, and you guessed it, I cried. I teared up during baptisms, I cried during worship and I bawled on the way home. With all of these tears flowing out of my face like a faucet, I did not feel one sad feeling. I was overwhelmed with regret and guilt but it was almost as if it was being washed away instead of making itself at home in my heart. I cried during baptisms because it was so awesome to see the joy of those who came out of the water with a huge smile on their face. The best sight to see was the Grandpa who baptized his grandson...it was great! I cried during worship because I've been struggling with a heavy heart lately. To be honest, I've been annoyed, frustrated and mad at some of the people in my life (and unless it really bothers me, I just keep it to myself). It was as if God was speaking to me and saying: Let it go. Let it go?? But God have you met these people? Surely, if you did you wouldn't want me to just let it go, right? Well, his response was something along the lines of "Have you met yourself?" Touche. Sometimes these realizations are hard to swallow but it always makes it easier in the long run.

Now for the big one. Do you know how hard it is to drive straight on Mopac while you are crying uncontrollably like a baby? Ya it's not easy. In fact, I probably looked like a fool. I experienced a great night of worship and prayer and it just hit me on the way home that some things have to change. It's time to clean up so God can wreck my life continuously. I am glad that my windows are tinted ridiculously dark, because even though they were tears of joy, I don't look attractive when I cry. I feel sorry for my future husband and subjecting him to that horrific sight.

I already feel him changing different areas of my life. I am currently facing my "insecurities" head on and tackling those issues before they turn into destructive behaviors. I highly suggest reading "So Long Insecurities" by Beth Moore, I have learned a lot and I am only in Chapter 5! I am coming to realize that God has been good to keep me single for the past 3 years. I thought I was ready, but I wasn't, and I honestly think that up until now I was just fooling myself.

The timeline of Traci's foolishness:
March 2007, one month after our break up: Ok, I'm ready.
God: Not yet.
A year later, 2008: I really think I am ready!!
God: No, not yet.
Two years later, 2009: Ok, seriously, I am pretty sure I am good to go!
God: Not yet, be patient.
Three years later, 2010, and I have been content, He is enough. He reveals things to me and I realize these have been the missing puzzle pieces. I hear things or I read things that make me go "Ohhh, I see it now!" If I would have entered a relationship in the past it would have been destructive, not God centered, and selfish. Even though I love God, I hadn't seen the big picture yet.

A guy won't:
Strengthen me daily.
Truly make me happy.
Break the chains of past regret.
Provide for me spiritually.

But God can.

And I've realized these things without even trying. I am not trying too hard, I am just seeking Him and he is revealing these things to me. Funny how I am so quick to forget that He works in that way. So I know I am ready for these changes because I am not trying to make things happen. I am just going with the flow and taking it all in as God teaches me daily that it is only in Him that I will ever be happy.

So to tie all of this together I guess I cry because I am experiencing the grace of God without trying way too hard to find it. I love that I serve a God who is so eager to let our relationship grow that he is teaching me things in a whole new light. I can honestly say that I know what it feels like to sing with an honest heart: "Your grace has overwhelmed my brokenness."

Jesus, your name is power, breath of living water. Such a marvelous mystery!