Homeless but not hopeless.

Today the Holy Spirit came out with guns a blazin'. I'm talking "full force, take no captives, convict you 'til you cry" kinda convictions. I am not sure why but everywhere I looked on my drive to work this morning, I heard God telling me "You need to change this, you need to change that." A very overwhelming, yet peaceful feeling to say the least.

I drove a different route to work this morning, it was not planned and I was actually just trying to avoid all traffic that I came across. I ended up in the St. John's area, way off my path to work but definitely not a coincidence. I have been feeling convictions about moving to this neighborhood, it would be a major change from where I currently am in the Arboretum. God knows it's not safe, He knows that I wouldn't have a Starbucks within walking distance, and He knows that some nights I would be scared but He keeps putting it on my heart. l don't know what to do about this conviction, my heart says "GO, DO IT!" but my mind is being rational and saying now is just not the time for a move, financially I would be downsizing in the rent but as far as buying all my own furniture that would put a dent in my wallet that I am just not comfortable with yet. So confusion has settled in and I am trying to solve this issue before June (when my lease needs to be renewed).

As if that was not enough, I stopped to get breakfast this morning at Taco Shack and there was a homeless man standing at the menu board in the driving thru area. Everyone casually brushed him off, avoided eye contact or slowly drove away. He was one smart cookie, by standing at the speaker he knew that a person couldn't keep their window up to avoid speaking to him, he knew that he would be heard, even if they weren't truly listening. Well I was a couple cars back before I spotted him and the Holy Spirit had a field day with this one. God didn't want me to back out of this one, He wanted me to help him, and that man wasn't there for no reason...he was there because God need to shout to me just a little louder today.

Have you ever made eye contact with a homeless person? It hurts and it's hard but it's absolutely necessary. It takes that direct contact to see their red, puffy and teary eyes on the outside but it's the hopelessness, fear and struggle on the inside that hurts them a lot more. After looking into their eyes, you suddenly realize that giving them $10 really isn't that big of a deal and it means a lot more to them then it should to us.

God wasn't done just yet, but is He ever? We are supposed to be changing, God restores us daily. After my trip to Taco Shack I went to Starbucks down the street to get tea (yum). While waiting for my drink to be made, I sat by a homeless person in the cafe. Very clever God, very clever. We had a wonderful conversation about how he slept for 15 hours and how he was ready and excited for a fun filled day ahead. I can guarantee that I have about 10x more possessions, money and friends than he has (that sounds mean but please understand where I am coming from) but he was more excited than I was to tackle the day. How is that?? Well because he has the joy of the Lord, I know this because he told me, and he knows what it means to rely on Him daily. He doesn't get distracted by relying on money, his job or his possessions, he HAS to rely on God- the only source of his hope. It is hard for me to even come to this conclusion because in the end I know how much stuff I am distracted by. God was this man's one and only source of happiness.

A person could classify these instances as creepy, weird, crazy, or a coincidence but as Christians we know that when these things happen it is God's way of making sure we are paying attention. I don't think it's a coincidence that He softened my heart this morning or that He made me extra aware of my surroundings or that I had conversations with people that I don't even know. I believe this was God's way making His point known and so that I wouldn't doubt that it was God's voice telling me to "change things".

After today, I am convinced that:
- I need to do something different.
- I need to get out of my comfort zone
- I need to live among the poor and less fortunate

So with changes come sacrifices and I just need to be clear on where God wants those sacrifices to come from...

"Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Luke 12:33-34

Love Thy Neighbor...

I hate my neighbors. I realize that hate is a strong word but the feelings of dislike that I have for them are so strong that I feel like that is the only appropriate word to use. They are loud, noisy and I swear they turn into a pack of elephants upon entering their apartment. I want to yell at them, possibly scream but more than anything I want to trade apartments with them for just one day and have a Miley Cyrus dance party just to spite them. I want them to go away.

They make me feel like the meanest person ever and the funny thing is, they don't even know it. At 1AM, I will yell at them to shut up...who knows if they can actually hear me but there is something therapeutic about yelling at the top of your lungs out of anger, I am usually able to sleep like a baby afterwards. One night they kept me up for an hour and a half, and the next day at work all I could think of was how I was going to plot my revenge. Fortunately for them that revenge came in a form of a letter, one that would put the fear of God in them...but I chickened out. I was scared that when they opened their door they would find me placing this "anonymous" letter on their door clip that holds our important memos from the office. I could see it now, I would probably look a lot like a raccoon that was just caught in the middle of the night snooping through trash. If they did catch me, I probably wouldn't have said anything, I would have just ran back in my apartment, hoping that they are totally oblivious to life and don't know that I live right below them. Yeah right.

The silly thing is, besides the whole "Love your neighbor as yourself" rule, I feel kinda bad for disliking them so much and I don't know why. The Spirit is convicting me I tell ya, it is making me deal with this built up anger and I just don't feel like confronting it at the moment. I am pretty outspoken when someone hurts my family, and I am able to stick up for myself but I guess it is the fear of awkwardness that makes this task of telling them they are so loud a little hard. The ironic thing is, a couple months ago I was outside walking my dog and the guy from upstairs told me that he could hear us when we do laundry. Ummm....excuse me?? My tongue never hurt so bad from biting it. He then complained that the guy who lived next door to him was obnoxiously loud, I wanted to reply by saying "trying living under you." but I decided that might not have been the best response. I had the perfect window of opportunity to tell him that they made me feel like I lived in the Sahara desert during mating season...but I didn't. Maybe one day...until then, anyone know of a good place to buy ear plugs?

An Opportunity To Serve

I have been following Jenny Simmon's blog for over a year now. If you don't know, she is the lead singer for Addison Road. I love reading her blog, it is very entertaining, insightful and keeps me informed on projects I can get involved in (ex. Mocha Club). I wish she was my friend, I realize that it sounds a little Jr. High-ish for me to say that, but it's true. I think we could have wonderful coffee chats...I'm just saying.

I have never met her or her family but I still feel the need to help them. They just started their spring tour with Sanctus Real last week and only days into the tour their RV caught fire and took all their clothes and belongings with it. According to her most recent update they have been blessed greatly in only a few short days but why not keep blessing them?? So here is their PayPal information and a little blurb from her very own blog:

If you want to help Ryan and I replace our things, please feel free to make an on-line donation to our personal Paypal account: ryan@addisonroad.com.

Can you think of a better way to spend your money other than to help someone who lost their everyday valuables. Imagine your life without your favorite purse, those comfy jeans that fit perfectly, or even your Bible. I know money doesn't buy happiness but it is always nice to support your family!

So come on, even if it's $5, help support them so that they will be encouraged to continue their music ministry. I can't tell you how many times God has spoken to me through their lyrics, so now it's time to give them something in return.

Ok...get goin'!!!

His Mercies Are New Every Morning.

When I meet up with friends, this tends to be the first thing we ask each other:
"What's new with you?" -Friend
"Oh...well....nothing....just working." -Traci

I hate my response. Why can't I think of things in my life that are "new"? Why do I only consider major life changing events the "new" things in my life? What about the things God blesses me with daily? Why do I just say "I just work a lot, I really should find other things to do with my time." Why the insecurity about making His promises known?

Why? Why? Why?

After a coffee date this past Sunday, I decided that I wanted to remember the good things, even if they are small, to share with others. I wanted to be able to share with my friends the blessings that God has bestowed upon me each week. The only problem? I can't remember them. I think I am so blinded by the big picture that I end up taking all the little things for granted or write them off as "Not as important". So I challenged myself to begin a journal. I am not a journal-er (is that a word?). I am obviously a blogger. The fact that I write incredibly awkward with my left hand makes it painful to write for long periods of time, this is why I have never kept a journal. I have always wanted a journal, one that gets crinkly pages and worn out as time goes on. I've always wanted that....but I've had to settle for typing because it is ten times faster to get my thoughts out. If I was to journal this entry right now, I'd probably still be on the first paragraph....with a cramped hand. So I've made it a point to use the journal that I've kept in my purse for the past year, as a scratch pad to jot down blessings when they happen. I want to remember these things. I want to know that even though I am not a millionaire, saving children in Haiti or preparing my acceptance speech for the Oscars, God is doing big things and I won't appreciate it until I take the time to dwell on them, pray over them and praise Him for His goodness.

So, what are my blessings so far this week? Well...
1. My Grandpa's PET scans for his cancer keep coming back better and better. No new spots, the old ones are fading, and some are even disappearing!
2. In the past week I have been learning how to tackle my insecurities and yesterday I was able to face one head on through patience and prayer.
3. I got new shoes, and they don't make my feet ache at work and that is just lovely!
4. The weather is amazing, sunny and 79 degrees. God definitely blessed Austin today.
5. After an exhausting 64 hour work week, Jesus is providing me with strength...and lots of it!

His mercies are new every morning.

I read that in a blog the other day, and the more I see His blessings, the more that truth sets me free.

So Long Insecurity? I sure hope so!!

I wanted to expand a little bit about the book I mentioned in my last post. "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore. AMAZING. Who knew that I would have fun reading about the things that make me feel horrible sometimes? I think it is because I can recognize them and then I hope to demolish the crap out of them! I am a strong believer that every girl should read this book. Everyone has insecurities, even guys, but especially girls. If you are reading this post and thinking "Ya right, I don't struggle that bad." Try going out in public without makeup, lock up your hair straightener for a week, or how about this...don't use a mirror when you get ready in the morning. If you can accomplish these things without an ounce of hesitation then I might believe you.

I am hoping to beat my insecurities to a pulp by the time I finish the book. Wishful thinking. I know it will take a little bit longer for God to restore my heart completely but I am starting to see some of the cracks being filled by His love and it is a stinkin' good feeling! I am ready to start seeing myself like God sees me, instead of viewing myself through the eyes of that super cute Starbucks customer that comes in (Yes, I admitted it). I bet you people think I have this horrible self esteem, well I don't, but I used to. I like to think I was an ugly duckling that turned into a pretty duck...but not yet a swan, I missed that boat, haha, but I am okay with that. I don't really struggle with outward appearance insecurities, just a few, it is mainly emotional attachments and relationships with other people that kinda give me a hard time. But through the readings of this book I am really starting to transform my thoughts and emotions so that they are fully dependant on God and not on man. These concepts sound so simple, don't they? Well yes, but when it comes to actually living them out I have a tendency to forget just how easy it is to rely on God 100%.

You might say "Dang Traci, don't you think you should keep some of this stuff to yourself?" Well, yes and no. To an extent I will keep a lot of the emotional, dirty baggage to myself because there comes a point when it just starts sounding like a pity party. But why not share with you the things that EVERY girl struggles with? We are not immune to heart ache, break ups, failed friendships, and embarrassing situations that can leave nasty little scars on our hearts. Why not embrace those insecurities? Bring them to light, share them with friends and most importantly share them with God, because only then will the true healing begin.

So here you go ladies, something to find peace in when your hair just doesn't look right or those jeans are fitting a little bit tighter than you remembered, or when you just found your first gray hair or wrinkle:

"Even when you are old, I will be the same. Even when your hair has turned gray, I will take care of you. I made you and will take care of you. I will carry you and save you." Isaiah 46:6

Cry baby? That's me!

I'm not an emotional person. At all. What so ever. Up until recently, I would rarely hug my friends. I don't post emotional FaceBook status updates. You will never hear me spilling my guts about my latest crush (unless it is sarcastic and funny.) Oh, and I don't cry in public. Well now that I sound like a horrible heartless person, let me explain to you why I still have friends. I feel like I am always there for them, I tell them I love them and I enjoy being in fellowship together. Ok, so with that said, I'm not too bad, right? Back to the emotional crazy talk, lately I have been a cry baby. I am crying, and I don't like it. Now this isn't a "pity me" cry, this is a "my God is so good, how have I not realized these things before" kinda crying.

On the first tuesday of every month my church has a service dedicated to worship, group prayer and baptism. Last night I went with some of the girls in my small group, and you guessed it, I cried. I teared up during baptisms, I cried during worship and I bawled on the way home. With all of these tears flowing out of my face like a faucet, I did not feel one sad feeling. I was overwhelmed with regret and guilt but it was almost as if it was being washed away instead of making itself at home in my heart. I cried during baptisms because it was so awesome to see the joy of those who came out of the water with a huge smile on their face. The best sight to see was the Grandpa who baptized his grandson...it was great! I cried during worship because I've been struggling with a heavy heart lately. To be honest, I've been annoyed, frustrated and mad at some of the people in my life (and unless it really bothers me, I just keep it to myself). It was as if God was speaking to me and saying: Let it go. Let it go?? But God have you met these people? Surely, if you did you wouldn't want me to just let it go, right? Well, his response was something along the lines of "Have you met yourself?" Touche. Sometimes these realizations are hard to swallow but it always makes it easier in the long run.

Now for the big one. Do you know how hard it is to drive straight on Mopac while you are crying uncontrollably like a baby? Ya it's not easy. In fact, I probably looked like a fool. I experienced a great night of worship and prayer and it just hit me on the way home that some things have to change. It's time to clean up so God can wreck my life continuously. I am glad that my windows are tinted ridiculously dark, because even though they were tears of joy, I don't look attractive when I cry. I feel sorry for my future husband and subjecting him to that horrific sight.

I already feel him changing different areas of my life. I am currently facing my "insecurities" head on and tackling those issues before they turn into destructive behaviors. I highly suggest reading "So Long Insecurities" by Beth Moore, I have learned a lot and I am only in Chapter 5! I am coming to realize that God has been good to keep me single for the past 3 years. I thought I was ready, but I wasn't, and I honestly think that up until now I was just fooling myself.

The timeline of Traci's foolishness:
March 2007, one month after our break up: Ok, I'm ready.
God: Not yet.
A year later, 2008: I really think I am ready!!
God: No, not yet.
Two years later, 2009: Ok, seriously, I am pretty sure I am good to go!
God: Not yet, be patient.
Three years later, 2010, and I have been content, He is enough. He reveals things to me and I realize these have been the missing puzzle pieces. I hear things or I read things that make me go "Ohhh, I see it now!" If I would have entered a relationship in the past it would have been destructive, not God centered, and selfish. Even though I love God, I hadn't seen the big picture yet.

A guy won't:
Strengthen me daily.
Truly make me happy.
Break the chains of past regret.
Provide for me spiritually.

But God can.

And I've realized these things without even trying. I am not trying too hard, I am just seeking Him and he is revealing these things to me. Funny how I am so quick to forget that He works in that way. So I know I am ready for these changes because I am not trying to make things happen. I am just going with the flow and taking it all in as God teaches me daily that it is only in Him that I will ever be happy.

So to tie all of this together I guess I cry because I am experiencing the grace of God without trying way too hard to find it. I love that I serve a God who is so eager to let our relationship grow that he is teaching me things in a whole new light. I can honestly say that I know what it feels like to sing with an honest heart: "Your grace has overwhelmed my brokenness."

Jesus, your name is power, breath of living water. Such a marvelous mystery!