Ok God, you got me. I'm back.

To say that the past couple of weeks have been hard would be an understatement. I have allowed myself to be in a situation that was neither glorifying to God or respectful to myself. Let's just say I've been down right selfish. I could justify my actions by saying that "I'm only human" but at the same time a voice inside screams "You are a human that loves Jesus!! It's time to get it right and stay that way!!" Ok little voice, you win.

I am only human, and I do fail, but as a Christian it is my job to take that excuse and bury it. "I'm only human" just isn't cutting it anymore. That excuse has caused me too many tears, too much regret and more than enough sorrow. Christ came to offer me the gift of salvation so that in return I would not have to be burdened by that excuse. That is the best gift I have ever received, so why don't I act like it? Why can't I live my life basking in the glory of my Savior instead of hiding in the shadows of my sin...

I feel like I have a weird relationship with my God. I love him, boy do I love him, but I can't seem to keep myself focused on him. I acknowledge him daily but I also let other people get in the way. I have a tendency of keeping God at an arms length when things are good only to find that I soon get knocked back down on my face to see that my God is still in control. So here is what I have to say: "Ok God, I am here! You have me on my knees, on my face, don't you see the worry?? What do you ask of me this time??" God hasn't answered me just yet, I think it is because I was being a little bit demanding. I can just see God saying "Oh no she didn't" but only in the nicest way possible because that's just how he is!

If I was face to face with God right now, still wallowing in my self pity and somehow being stupid enough to ignore the fact that I was in the presence of his glory, I see the conversation going something like this:

Me: Ok God, you got me. I'm back. Was that last heartache really necessary?
God: I love you my child and I just want you to see that you have that already, no need to search for it.
Me: Yes, I know you love me but why can't I just have earthly love too...just this once? I promise I will love you too.
God: You promise me every time, but I have yet to take the front seat in your relationships.
Me: That was then, this is now. Pinky promise. I am on my knees, doesn't that count for something??
God: Everything I do is for your good, I will never hurt you. All things work together for my glory.
Me: Touche God, touche.

Eventually I have to give up, quit the charade and give in. I try to give in every time but I only do it half heartedly. What if this time I dive in head first? Surrender my desires to God and be completely content with only the things he supplies me with? Oh what a life that would be. Here we go, round 2 of getting out of that pit.

You're so perfect, I'm so broken. Here You come with arms wide open, chasing after me down every road. You're always waiting there.