As I get older I wish I was more like my childhood self. I miss the innocence and simplicity of life. I wish my life was more like a "paint by numbers", detailed instructions on what to do properly to make it come out the way it was created. My life is more like a 5,000 piece puzzle, the kind you lay out on the table and you spend days trying to organize, well for me those days equal years. I've spent years sorting out the pieces of myself in order to make them fit together to create the perfect image; every so often I stumble across a piece that doesn't fit, the one that you think might have gotten in the box by accident...the one piece that throws you off completely. I have found that piece, I have tried to shove it in its proper place only to see that no matter which way I turn it, its never going to fit. I have held on to that piece, waiting for it to complete one part of the puzzle but time after time it only disappoints me. I try to convince myself that piece will never change, it will always hold its same color and shape no matter how much faith I have in it. I refuse to let go because even if it was by accident it was given to me for a reason. Am I attracted to it because it is different? Is it because it is not like all the other things in my life? Does that one piece give me a sense of security because it a break from all the rest? It is my comfort zone, it is the first thing I turn to when things seem to be out of place only to find out that it doesn't make the image anymore clear. I realize I have a thousand other options but that one will always be my first. I dont want to give up on that piece or throw it out because I am holding on to the fact that someday it will fulfill its purpose in my life. So as I set it aside, making sure I don't lose it, I continue to piece together the rest of my life.
*as of February 2007 God has taken that "piece" out of my life and I could not be happier!*
(Written Monday, August 7, 2006)
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