Coffin Of My Selfishness.

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket -safe, dark, motionless, airless -it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
-C.S. Lewis
In my coffin of selfishness I hide my time, my heart and my faith. I have a tendency to guard those three things, a little too closely sometimes. Deep in the ground I have buried my coffin so that it can not be seen by anyone else and it is exactly that, selfish. With my time, heart and faith hidden from the world it is untouchable. No one can lie to me, cheat on me, or take advantage of my time. With those blessings also comes consequences. Even though no one can hurt me, no one can also reach me. I have hidden away the most important part of me out of fear of hurtful things happening again, but I have also locked out the possibility of wonderful things happening to me. I have closed the door on the possibilities of love, new beginnings, and meaningful friendships.
I have learned that I can not turn back time or replace it, therefore I treat it with caution. Selfishly I spend my days involved in things that will only benefit myself, school and work. I have failed daily in my attempts to reconnect with others. Burdened by exhaustion, I only use the hours I am given to rest and spend time alone. I am guilted by the seclusion that I have placed myself in.
I have also learned that a broken heart can only be healed by the One who provides His unconditional love, however I see now that He uses others to help supply that love sometimes. I discovered the greatness of God’s love to my broken heart about a year ago and since then I have closed the door on the chance of anyone else supplying an earthly version of that love. Through the months I have not taken a chance on trusting someone else, I fear a sequel to the events that I have already experienced. So fear has forced me to lock up and bury a part of me that is created to experience the greatness of love created by God.
A person’s faith is usually of good definition of the kind of individual we are. I don’t like mine questioned, commented on, or mocked. The easiest thing to do is ignore the issue but is that what we are called to do? As I struggle with the right way to handle the problems we will always face, I selfishly choose to lock it up with the other things and ignore the possibilities of spiritual growth. To an extent, I keep it to myself. I choose not share the many blessings I have been given out of annoyance that the authenticity of them might be questioned. Talk about selfish! I was not created to serve myself but to serve God!
For the past year I have been the holder of that key, I have wrestled with God about digging up the fears and struggles of the past. I am discovering that He has other ways of unlocking it that are beyond my control. God does not need a key nor does He need my consent, He simply wants me to experience the grace we have all been given. So as I trust in the Lord, I am learning to share the contents of that coffin with the ones He has placed in my life.

(Written Saturday, March 29, 2008)