I am captivated by You.

"When I wake unto the morning it gives me your sight. When I look across the ocean it echoes Your might. The sand on the shore and the waves in the sea, the air in my lungs and the way You made me that's what draws me to You." -Shawn McDonald

Spring is my favorite time of the year due to many reasons. The weather is perfect, for about two months, and everything looks so amazing. From track meets to baseball games, spring makes outdoor sports that much more enjoyable. This particular spring has captivated me in many different ways. I think after some time of struggling to know God intimately, He has revealed Himself to me through the beauty of His creation. I catch myself always wanting to be outside or driving around aimlessly with the windows down. I have to come to fall in love with nature because I see it with a new purpose in mind; God's canvas.

I have always known God. I consider it a blessing that I have grown up believing in God but as I am getting more mature in my faith I am learning what it is to believe Him: taking His words and promises and applying them daily. I have always know about His existence but now I believe Him when He says He will always care for us (1 Peter 5:7). When you see His promise come to life it is a blessing that over shadows the pain of the struggle in which He reveals Himself through. The spring time weather is how I see the glory of God come to life. Fields of flowers and blue skies are the signs of a beautiful Creator.

Maybe the need for this blog stems from the fact that I have secluded myself in my room today forcing myself to finish my paper. After sifting through biblical commentaries and theology articles on predestination it is hard to not get caught up in the politics of God and limit Him to a book. God is more than words that we read, He is showing Himself daily through sunrises, flowers, clouds and smiles on people's faces. The beauty of spring time creation shows me that I serve a beautiful God.

(Written Saturday, April 12, 2008)

Coffin Of My Selfishness.

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket -safe, dark, motionless, airless -it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
-C.S. Lewis
In my coffin of selfishness I hide my time, my heart and my faith. I have a tendency to guard those three things, a little too closely sometimes. Deep in the ground I have buried my coffin so that it can not be seen by anyone else and it is exactly that, selfish. With my time, heart and faith hidden from the world it is untouchable. No one can lie to me, cheat on me, or take advantage of my time. With those blessings also comes consequences. Even though no one can hurt me, no one can also reach me. I have hidden away the most important part of me out of fear of hurtful things happening again, but I have also locked out the possibility of wonderful things happening to me. I have closed the door on the possibilities of love, new beginnings, and meaningful friendships.
I have learned that I can not turn back time or replace it, therefore I treat it with caution. Selfishly I spend my days involved in things that will only benefit myself, school and work. I have failed daily in my attempts to reconnect with others. Burdened by exhaustion, I only use the hours I am given to rest and spend time alone. I am guilted by the seclusion that I have placed myself in.
I have also learned that a broken heart can only be healed by the One who provides His unconditional love, however I see now that He uses others to help supply that love sometimes. I discovered the greatness of God’s love to my broken heart about a year ago and since then I have closed the door on the chance of anyone else supplying an earthly version of that love. Through the months I have not taken a chance on trusting someone else, I fear a sequel to the events that I have already experienced. So fear has forced me to lock up and bury a part of me that is created to experience the greatness of love created by God.
A person’s faith is usually of good definition of the kind of individual we are. I don’t like mine questioned, commented on, or mocked. The easiest thing to do is ignore the issue but is that what we are called to do? As I struggle with the right way to handle the problems we will always face, I selfishly choose to lock it up with the other things and ignore the possibilities of spiritual growth. To an extent, I keep it to myself. I choose not share the many blessings I have been given out of annoyance that the authenticity of them might be questioned. Talk about selfish! I was not created to serve myself but to serve God!
For the past year I have been the holder of that key, I have wrestled with God about digging up the fears and struggles of the past. I am discovering that He has other ways of unlocking it that are beyond my control. God does not need a key nor does He need my consent, He simply wants me to experience the grace we have all been given. So as I trust in the Lord, I am learning to share the contents of that coffin with the ones He has placed in my life.

(Written Saturday, March 29, 2008)

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones.

but words will never hurt me. As children we would close our eyes and say this and it would give us a sense of security. As adults we learn that words do hurt and sticks and stones cause less pain. With every sentence comes a hundred emotions, happy or sad, they cause us to evaluate the person we are. As I walk through the halls of our child care center it is not rare to hear a teacher saying "Use your words." We are taught young to communicate our feelings; it is not until we get older that we can comprehend the pain or joy we bring to others with our words. Some people never see it. They go through life saying what they want because it gives them that sense of security. As "adults" they still close their eyes and say what they feel regardless of the heartache they cause. Some even seek out others to destroy them with their insecurity, but when will it be enough. What will be the standard by which they measure their success? Will it be silence or will it be heartache? When will we learn that the words we say today could possibly echo in someone's eternity...

*God has proven Himself once again in February 07, and I no longer have to deal with this in my life anymore...AWESOME!*

(Written Monday, December 18, 2006)

His Plan For Your Mate.

Everyone longs to give himself completely to someone...to have a deep, soul relationship with another...to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But God says, "No, not until you are satisfied and fulfilled and content with being loved by Me alone...with giving yourself totally and undeservedly to Me...to having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone.

I love you, my child, and until you discover that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with Me...exclusive of anyone and anything else...exclusive of any other desires or longings.

I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing...one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best- please allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things...keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am...keep listening and learning the things that I tell you.

You just wait, that's all. Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at what others have gotten or what I have given them. Don't look at the things you think you want. You just keep looking off and away and up to Me, or you'll miss what I want to show you. And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you would ever dream of. You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready, ( I am working even at this very minute to have you both ready at the same time)...until you both are satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me...and this is Perfect Love.

Dear one, I want you to have this wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of the relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty and perfection and love that I offer you with Myself.

Know that I love you utterly, and that I am far more concerned about this than you are. I am El Shaddai, The Comforter. Believe it and be satisfied."

Leave The Pieces When You Go.

As I get older I wish I was more like my childhood self. I miss the innocence and simplicity of life. I wish my life was more like a "paint by numbers", detailed instructions on what to do properly to make it come out the way it was created. My life is more like a 5,000 piece puzzle, the kind you lay out on the table and you spend days trying to organize, well for me those days equal years. I've spent years sorting out the pieces of myself in order to make them fit together to create the perfect image; every so often I stumble across a piece that doesn't fit, the one that you think might have gotten in the box by accident...the one piece that throws you off completely. I have found that piece, I have tried to shove it in its proper place only to see that no matter which way I turn it, its never going to fit. I have held on to that piece, waiting for it to complete one part of the puzzle but time after time it only disappoints me. I try to convince myself that piece will never change, it will always hold its same color and shape no matter how much faith I have in it. I refuse to let go because even if it was by accident it was given to me for a reason. Am I attracted to it because it is different? Is it because it is not like all the other things in my life? Does that one piece give me a sense of security because it a break from all the rest? It is my comfort zone, it is the first thing I turn to when things seem to be out of place only to find out that it doesn't make the image anymore clear. I realize I have a thousand other options but that one will always be my first. I dont want to give up on that piece or throw it out because I am holding on to the fact that someday it will fulfill its purpose in my life. So as I set it aside, making sure I don't lose it, I continue to piece together the rest of my life.

*as of February 2007 God has taken that "piece" out of my life and I could not be happier!*

(Written Monday, August 7, 2006)

To My Future Boyfriend.

To My Future Boyfriend,

I dont know why I am writing you this. Maybe it is because I hope that I find you sometime soon. God knows exactly who you are, but as for me, I am clueless. I want you to know that I have decided to wait for you and not settle for just any guy. I am waiting for your patience and kindness, your gentle spirit and admirable qualities. I am holding out for everything that you are because I know that is what God wants me to do.

I will no longer settle for the boy who makes me happy whenever it is convienent for him. I will no longer pursue the boy who makes my heart sink by the words and actions he uses against me. I will be strong and stand up for what I believe in and not compromise my faith for a boy.

I know you are out there....somewhere....but I will know exactly who you are when I meet you. And if I have already met you, then I know God is preparing us both for a relationship that is perfect for His Will. I am preparing myself to be the "Proverbs 31" woman so that I may help you and not make you stumble. I want to bring out the best in you and make you an incredible man. I want you to treat me like a respectable woman and know that who I am is who I am meant to be, and that you cant change Gods plan for my life. I want an amazing relationship with you, full of love and maturity. I want to be your perfect girlfriend.

I am tired of the boys that I have dated in the past, I am ready to experience a relationship that is glorifying to God. I am ready to experience true happiness. I know that we will disagree and argue, but what we will learn from those mistakes is most important. I know you wont be perfect and neither will I, but we can help each other grow from our own personal experience.

I know it sounds like I want a lot from you, but be sure that I will return that dedication and love back to you. I will be there for you when you need it the most, I will let you pursue me and be loyal and honest to you at all times. Be assured that I will do all that I can to not let you down but instead help build you up. I want to go to church with you, I want to go on dates with you, and most of all I want to be a person who you find true happiness in. I cant wait to find out who you are but until then I am patiently waiting and learning what it is to be a girlfriend of honor and respect.

(Written Tuesday, February 07, 2006)

Woah...Woah...Woah.

I am about to post a bunch of blogs that I posted on my Myspace because I am contemplating deleting that thing and I want them to be recorded somewhere. Did you enjoy that run on sentence? I sure did. Holla.

Myspace doesn't know me.

My Myspace profile is currently set to private...and for good reason! I don't want anybody knowing who I am, so to even add me as a friend you have to know my e-mail or last name, praise the Lord for those options! I have had my share of "Myspace crazies"...they are a breed of there own and I would like to never meet one again. Anyway, when you set your profile to private Myspace has taken it upon themselves to suggest people that are "like you" whose pages aren't private. Out of curiosity, or boredom take your pick, I looked to see who Myspace thought was just like me. Apparently all Mexicans are supposed to be alike because the "Latinas" (yes I said Latinas) they picked that are supposed to be similar to me are quite the opposite. Earth to Myspace, I do not have a child, I do not take a ridiculous amount of half naked pictures, and I do not shoot the middle finger while holding a beer in my other hand but thank you for letting people know that they are just like me. In a way I find this funny because of the irony but on the other hand I find it a tad bit annoying. I kinda of think of it as a form of false advertising...but what can you do, besides blog about it. So that is exactly what I did...

I Am Boring.

I decided that if I am going to tell people I have a blog I should actually write (or type) in it. However, I have been seriously struggling over what my next blog should be about. Yes, I said struggling...that is just how boring my life is, I have nothing else that I need to worry about other than my blog.  Sad? Yup it sure is. I know that my life is bound to get a bit crazy here soon so I am enjoying this state of boredom. So sorry for the disappointment, I live a boring life but in the end I think that is a good thing. I hate drama and would rather not experience any in the near future...or ever.

So for the mean time until something awesome happens...this is to be continued...

A Season of New Beginnings.

As I enter a season of new beginnings I am learning more and more everyday that my God is faithful. In my moment of transition He continues to provide for me daily. I will be honest, at the beginning of the summer I was lost. I had a feeling of insecurity and doubt. It felt like God had stripped me from my comfort zone and abandoned me. How wrong was I to ever think that God would leave me, it was just my fear that blinded me from the presence of Him in the everyday details of my life. 

Back in May I prayed that God would use my life for His purpose only. I felt as if I was living for too many other things: a job status, financial security and other insignificant things. I wanted to know that at the end of the day I did something to benefit God's kingdom. Working 14 hour days that did not glorify Him in the long run was just not cutting it. I went into this summer with only one job, I usually have about 3, so needless to say I was very scared about what was going to happen with my plans. Here comes the amazing part, in the midst of rejection and fear, God's many blessings began flowing into my life. He blessed me with the ability to get a new car and new apartment, both which are major upgrades and I know He is in the works for a new job (whatever that may be). God is good!!!

I was almost hesitant to "blog" about this topic because I feel like it could give off the wrong impression. I feel like you could take this and think I am trying to glorify myself by surrendering my life to God but that is not the case at all!!! I just wanted to share the amazing blessings that God gives to those who love Him. I couldn't be more of a mess, I don't deserve the things He has provided for me because of all my failures. I am struggling with things that I feel like I will never conquer but in the end my battle was already won and that is my only hope. When I look back on this summer and see God providing for me DAILY on just 1 salary as opposed to 3 I can't help but smile. God's grace and love for his creation is amazing!

"So I'll stand with arms high and heart abandoned in awe of the One who gave it all. So I'll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered, all I am is Yours!"

Bienvenidos!

I did it, I have created a blog. I have done this sort of thing but that was three years ago, and well a lot has changed in three years so I thought I would give it another shot. I was really hesitant to create a blog because then people expect you to actually be a good writer but that's okay I will try my best to live up to your expectations.