Every time I hear the word confession, I can’t help but think of the song by Usher. You know the one; “These are my confessions, just when I said all I could say…” Well, we will stop there because now you probably just think I'm weird…but you get my point.
If there is one thing in my Christian walk that has literally put the fear of God in me, it has been the idea of confession. The act of bringing my sin into the light and confessing to those who walk with me in Christ the horrible things I struggle with. The thought of doing that has made me anxious and uncomfortable. Let others know what a crappy person I am actually capable of being? No thank you, I prefer to continue to wear this mask that I have so carefully hand crafted. I haven’t out grown it yet, 17 years going strong and that mask has never done me wrong. (Unintentional rhyming. My skills are just that mad.) I would rather not take it off, but thanks anyway God, maybe we can find another way to work on me. How about serving? Yeah, serving, I will just fill my schedule with selflessly serving others. Who needs to confess when I can just serve the heck out of the city of Austin? Sadly, this has been my mindset; fill my Christian life with other acts of obedience, hoping that God would let this one slide.
To give you an example of just how long I have been intentionally putting this off, I have linked a blog post I wrote back in August of 2009, almost two years ago, about the heaviness I felt after hearing a sermon on confession. That’s how long I have let this feeling of uneasiness and anxiousness marinate itself into the very being of my heart. For two years I have felt burdened, paranoid, and not good enough. Every time I was faced with the opportunity to serve, become a leader in some way or give biblical related advice I heard the same words echoing in my mind: “You aren’t good enough.” And sadly, I had believed them every time. To live a perfect life, to walk a perfect Christian walk is impossible, we all know this but to strive to be like Christ is not impossible but it was that voice that kept me from doing so. For two years I allowed myself to be crippled by the fear of judgment and acceptance.
Well two years later and one unexpected night at my Missional Community, it all came spewing out. It was the Thursday after our amazing Easter service. The spirit was moving in our conversations and it was time for prayer requests. As we went around the room, I could hear God telling me to confess. Confess the things that had been eating away at me, even though I hadn’t done them in awhile; confess my past and present struggles so that I may protect my future. I fought Him over it. With each passing person I felt it coming up, kind of like when you have to burp and you can just feel it coming, it was very similar to that. I didn’t want to do it, I made a mental list of all the requests I could make, and if I just stuck to the list it wouldn’t come out. Fool proof. Yeah right, God is the maker of my lips and vocal cords so those suckers didn’t stand a chance. Well it was my turn, and I couldn’t hide it, want to know why? Because I started crying and I couldn’t just sit there and say nothing, so I let it all out. I expressed my faults, fears and guilt. Needless to say it was received very well and it sparked an even more amazing conversation of encouragement and accountability. I always knew that God had provided me with an awesome Missional Community and this experience just reinforces that feeling.
I am sure at this point you really want to know what my confessions were, and I regret to inform you that I will not be revealing them…yet. The purpose of this blog post was not to leave you hanging or prove my holiness. I just wanted to help share with you the freedom you find in confessing. After two years of doubt, I have experienced what God is talking about: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” I have always wanted to bring my sins to the light and experience accountability and a free conscious but I couldn’t stop judging myself so I had to get over that first. I once heard somewhere if you don’t bring your sins to the light, God eventually will. That he did, and just like the gracious God that he is he provided me with an amazing support group. Take it from me, the thought of confession may cause you to become anxious and nervous. For years I knew those feelings all too well, but the feeling of freedom outweighs anything else. Freedom in Christ’s forgiveness and grace trumps any other form or regret and uneasiness. I took my time and prayed to God whom he wanted me to confess to, and honestly I also prayed that the time to do so would never come but it did and he proved to be faithful. We serve a very faithful God, so don't be like me, trust him when he's says that you will be healed.
"Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy." -Proverbs 28:13
