And You Will Be Healed...

Every time I hear the word confession, I can’t help but think of the song by Usher. You know the one; “These are my confessions, just when I said all I could say…” Well, we will stop there because now you probably just think I'm weird…but you get my point.

If there is one thing in my Christian walk that has literally put the fear of God in me, it has been the idea of confession. The act of bringing my sin into the light and confessing to those who walk with me in Christ the horrible things I struggle with. The thought of doing that has made me anxious and uncomfortable. Let others know what a crappy person I am actually capable of being? No thank you, I prefer to continue to wear this mask that I have so carefully hand crafted. I haven’t out grown it yet, 17 years going strong and that mask has never done me wrong. (Unintentional rhyming. My skills are just that mad.) I would rather not take it off, but thanks anyway God, maybe we can find another way to work on me. How about serving? Yeah, serving, I will just fill my schedule with selflessly serving others. Who needs to confess when I can just serve the heck out of the city of Austin? Sadly, this has been my mindset; fill my Christian life with other acts of obedience, hoping that God would let this one slide.

To give you an example of just how long I have been intentionally putting this off, I have linked a blog post I wrote back in August of 2009, almost two years ago, about the heaviness I felt after hearing a sermon on confession. That’s how long I have let this feeling of uneasiness and anxiousness marinate itself into the very being of my heart. For two years I have felt burdened, paranoid, and not good enough. Every time I was faced with the opportunity to serve, become a leader in some way or give biblical related advice I heard the same words echoing in my mind: “You aren’t good enough.” And sadly, I had believed them every time. To live a perfect life, to walk a perfect Christian walk is impossible, we all know this but to strive to be like Christ is not impossible but it was that voice that kept me from doing so. For two years I allowed myself to be crippled by the fear of judgment and acceptance.

Well two years later and one unexpected night at my Missional Community, it all came spewing out. It was the Thursday after our amazing Easter service. The spirit was moving in our conversations and it was time for prayer requests. As we went around the room, I could hear God telling me to confess. Confess the things that had been eating away at me, even though I hadn’t done them in awhile; confess my past and present struggles so that I may protect my future. I fought Him over it. With each passing person I felt it coming up, kind of like when you have to burp and you can just feel it coming, it was very similar to that. I didn’t want to do it, I made a mental list of all the requests I could make, and if I just stuck to the list it wouldn’t come out. Fool proof. Yeah right, God is the maker of my lips and vocal cords so those suckers didn’t stand a chance. Well it was my turn, and I couldn’t hide it, want to know why? Because I started crying and I couldn’t just sit there and say nothing, so I let it all out. I expressed my faults, fears and guilt. Needless to say it was received very well and it sparked an even more amazing conversation of encouragement and accountability. I always knew that God had provided me with an awesome Missional Community and this experience just reinforces that feeling.

I am sure at this point you really want to know what my confessions were, and I regret to inform you that I will not be revealing them…yet. The purpose of this blog post was not to leave you hanging or prove my holiness. I just wanted to help share with you the freedom you find in confessing. After two years of doubt, I have experienced what God is talking about: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.” I have always wanted to bring my sins to the light and experience accountability and a free conscious but I couldn’t stop judging myself so I had to get over that first. I once heard somewhere if you don’t bring your sins to the light, God eventually will. That he did, and just like the gracious God that he is he provided me with an amazing support group. Take it from me, the thought of confession may cause you to become anxious and nervous. For years I knew those feelings all too well, but the feeling of freedom outweighs anything else. Freedom in Christ’s forgiveness and grace trumps any other form or regret and uneasiness. I took my time and prayed to God whom he wanted me to confess to, and honestly I also prayed that the time to do so would never come but it did and he proved to be faithful. We serve a very faithful God, so don't be like me, trust him when he's says that you will be healed.

"Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy." -Proverbs 28:13

My Missional Community Ladies

I have been apart of the Austin Stone for four years now, and that church has encouraged me to live in community by being apart of a Missional Community. For those of you who don't know what a Missional Community is, it's kinda like a "Small group", but we are encouraged to live missionally and intentionally while we serve the city of Austin. I joined my MC group three years ago, we meet once a week (Thursdays) and keep it real with Jesus. I love these girls, and week by week we are blown away as we see that God has hand picked each one of us to be in this group. We all seem to struggle with the same things at the same time, it is ridiculous...God sure knows his stuff!! I love these girls and I can't imagine living a missional life without them.

So what's with the introduction? Well before I posted my Confession blog post (yes, it is still a work in progess), I wanted to introduce you to the girls who have encouraged me, prayed for me, hugged me when I cried and so graciously laughed at my cheesy jokes. These girls are the bomb...yes, I said bomb. So here they are, some aren't with us anymore and we sure do miss them! ;)

Reppin' the major colleges in Texas. (Wreck 'Em!)

Dinner at Galaxy Cafe.

Celebrating my birthday at Dave and Busters.

Celebrating our MC leader's birthday at OPA!

Serving at Gandalf's Prayer Cafe.

Social night at The Cookie Lounge.

Fun day on Lake Travis!

Celebrating my birthday at Hula Hut.

Celebrating my birthday at The Highball.

Missional Community Open House at Halcyon.

Learning how to cook Thai food.

UT vs. Texas Tech game watching party.

Karaoke at The Highball in the "Country" themed room!

Social event: First Thursday on South Congress.

UT Football National Championship game watching party.

Dinner at Joe Dimaggio's.

Celebrating Allison's birthday at J Blacks!

Serving at The Austin State Hospital.

Beauty For Ashes, Indeed

When I haven’t blogged in awhile, I usually reintroduce myself with a “what I’ve been up to” post. Sometimes, it goes a little something like this: “Oh I haven’t been up to anything. I am the most boring person in the world. Nothing ever happens to me. Why do you people even check this blog?” Seriously, I think I have written that post several times. Well to those who have had faith in me, those who refuse to accept that I will never be a boring person, this is for you. After a several months of an unintentional hiatus, I actually have updates worth blogging about. Save the cheers and applause because this isn’t a happy go lucky post, but it isn’t a “oh poor me” post either. This is a post about the hard stuff and everything in between.

A little over a month ago my family lost my Grandpa to pancreatic cancer. He had been battling with it for almost two years. I can’t even begin to tell you how strong he was throughout the process. His strength on his deathbed came from singing hymns and having Bible studies with his family. That is just a small glimpse of how big his faith was. Losing my Grandpa is one of the hardest things I have gone through. He wasn’t just a “Grandpa” to his Grandkids, he was my brother’s best friend, my cousin’s number one fan and he was my biggest influence. It was hard to look at his life and not be encouraged or inspired. My Grandpa would be the first to say he wasn’t perfect, the first to take the attention off himself, but he would also be the first to step up and be a servant leader and actually live out the words of Ephesians 4:1 “As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.” I think their Pastor said it best at his memorial service when he said: “He went to a better place, but because of Howell Cobb, the place he left is better.” And it’s true, that small town in Georgia gathered together to celebrate and reflect on the life of an amazing man. The church was filled wall to wall, there were tears and laughter, Grandchildren gave speeches and in the end we saw that God was indeed glorified through the life and death of Howell Cobb.

As you can imagine, mourning the loss of someone that selfless was hard. We all had our days, and we still do, but if there is one thing that I took away from that week in Georgia it was encouragement. Encouragement to live my life worthy of the calling I have received. Encouragement to know that when I am tired, weak and weary God is still planting seeds because He is not tired, weak or weary. The seeds God planted throughout the life of my Grandpa were represented in that church, through the hundreds of greeting cards my Grandma received, and through the love and generousity that was poured out to us all week through their friends. My Georgia grandparents have always been a couple that I have looked up to, their marriage, though not perfect, is something that I think all their grandchildren will always strive towards having.

This update is small. Won’t take up too much space. But it is quite the big life changing event. I AM MOVING!! Yup, as of this Friday I will be a single girl in the city. Well, I’ve always lived in “the city”, North Austin to be exact but as of this week I will be about four minutes away from Downtown. I am experiencing every sort of emotion you could come to expect from a twenty-something single lady. I am nervous because I have never lived alone, but I am also excited to make this place my own and decorate it the way I want it. I am excited to frequent all the local Austin eateries and hope to put my GoLocal card to good use. Seriously, I think there are five cool little Austin joints within walking distance from my new place. Even though all these things are fun and awesome, most of all I can’t wait to use this apartment as a place of community and fellowship. When looking for an apartment I prayed that God would put me in a location that I would be used for His glory. Needless to say I am very excited to see what He has in store for me this coming year.

After much thought I have decided to make this last update a separate post. I feel like it has been such an important topic in my life the past two years that I don’t want to minimize the details just make it fit into a couple paragraphs. This is something I have struggled with, something I have ignored and something I have dreaded. But in the past couple of weeks I have seen exactly what bringing sin into the light feels like, and I have experienced undeserving Grace and it is just too good not to share. So the next post will focus on confession.

In the mean time, to be continued…

Guest Post: Domestique by Steve Bitter

I ran cross country in high school and continued to run recreationally in college, but have been hindered in recent years due to injuries. I love the long, endurance sports. I enjoy watching the marathons on TV. Same with the distance events during the Olympics. I’m fascinated by the sport within the sport, the mental and emotional game that occurs between competing athletes. In the running events, it usually comes down to whoever is simply willing to hurt more. The best runners are those that can block the pain and push their bodies to the next level, and then the next. No nets, no balls, no goalposts, no timeouts, no commercial breaks. It is a “me vs. you” battle.

Because of a bad knee and a sensitive lower back, I took up cycling about a year ago. I figured being hunched over a bike for an hour was better for my body than the constant pounding and jarring of the pavement. I knew I would face some of the same physical and mental challenges as I would have on a nice long run. That’s actually what made it exciting for me. All the same life centered themes still applied – Patience, diligence, enduring to the end, etc.

The more I rode my bike, the more I became interested in the professional sport of cycling. I’ve always been a big Lance Armstrong fan, but I started to keep up on other athletes and professional teams on the pro circuit. The more I learned about the riders and team, the more I learned about the sport itself, the tactics and the strategies.

Just like any other professional team, there are specific positions and roles on a cycling team. There are climbing specialists that set the pace on long sustained inclines, and specialize in “attacking”, or creating a gap between opposing riders. Time trialists are the speed specialists. During time trial stages of a race, they do a lot to lower the overall team time. Sprinters are your end-of-stage specialists. Their job is to be in the mix until the very end, and then hash it out in the last several hundred yards. They go after points for winning, not necessarily with time in mind. Then you have the famed “all-rounder”, the team captain, the team lead. This is your Lance Armstrong rider. Proficient in all aspects of riding. The face of the team. All the other roles are designed to support the captain and help him earn the overall victory.

There is one aspect of a professional cycling team that sticks out to me the most and continually fills my thoughts on long grueling days. He is the Domestique. He is the ultimate role player.

The domestique (domes-STEEK) works for the benefit of the entire team. He sacrifices personal fame and achievement for that of his teammates. He will drop back to the manager’s vehicle to fetch additional food and water to bring back to the rest of the team. Often times he will lead his teammates through certain points of the race, allowing his teammates to draft behind him. This eliminates wind drag for his teammates, and well as protects him from being boxed out of a desirable position in the group. Domestiques launch “attacks” on opposing riders, causing them to burn energy to give chase. And “counter attacks”, helping his own bridge the gap to the leaders. If a mechanical malfunction should occur to the captain, the domestique will wait until the issue is resolved, and then draft the captain behind him back to the lead group with the use of as little energy as possible from the captain. Great domestiques make great riders. They make winners.

I’m a pretty avid sports fan, and I can’t think of any role position on any other team, in any other sport, that sacrifices oneself for the benefit of the team as the domestique does for its riders. As a Christian, I naturally compare the world around me to my understanding of Christian principles and doctrine, even if it involves sports and competition.

As my understanding of the domestique has grown, so has my appreciation for the role that Jesus Christ plays in the lives of society as a whole and us individually. When our circumstances are too much for us to bear, or when we’ve asked in faith, Christ is available to each and every one of us to block the heavy winds, provide nourishment and pace us back to where we belong. He does not seek praise or riches or attention. His entire purpose is to get us across the finish line.

After Jesus had spent the day teaching on the shores of Galilee he summoned his apostles to cross over to the other side with him. During their seemingly short trip, a great storm arose and soon threatened to overturn their small vessel. As his apostles were fighting the storm, and in fear of their very lives, they began to cry “Master, carest thou not that we perish?” The book of Mark recounts that he “arose, and rebuked the wind, and said unto the sea, Peace, be still.” Upon his divine command, the very elements obeyed his voice and the storm ceased so much that there was a “great calm.”

While this is a powerful display of the divinity of Jesus the Christ, it is also a comforting reminder that He is on the sea with us. He is not standing idly on the shorelines while we fight the storms of life. He is not yelling advice to us from afar. He is with us. Even when we do not believe he is aware, or even interested, in our small vessels, he is our most faithful and determined teammate.

Much of cycling’s rich history comes from France. In the French language, domestique translates as “servant”. In the truest sense, Jesus was, is and will be the greatest domestique in our individual races of life. He came to “lift up the hands that hang down” and strengthen “the feeble knees.” His works and power are all around us. If we do not see him in the immediate, just be faithful. Keep pedaling. He’s probably back at the team vehicle getting something for us to drink.



Steve Bitter is a marketing manager for Bulwark Exterminating in Phoenix, AZ. Originally from Southern California, Steve enjoys cycling, basketball, eating out, movies and watching lots and lots of sports. He graduated with a communications degree from Brigham Young University and spent his internships working for a few professional sports teams. At Bulwark, Steve handles pay-per-click advertsing, social media and public relations for all 11 branches nationwide. If he's not on his bike then you can find him on Twitter. Steve and his wife, Emmy, have 2 kids, Max and Leia.

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Thank you Steve for sharing what God has revealed to you through your passion for cycling, what an encouragement to us all!

I follow Steve on Twitter, and you should too, so check him out!!

2010 Rewind

What kind of blogger would I be if I didn't make a "Best of 2010" blog post? Exactly...a horrible one. So here you go, only 15 days late, my random but fun "Best of 2010" list.

Best Celebration:
Well my birthday, of course. July 29th marked the day I turned another year older. Not sure how I can top this celebration. I had an amazing time with my friends. We started off with dinner at an Austin favorite, Home Slice Pizza, and then moved the party over to The Highball where we did karaoke in a private party room. Enjoy these pictures, they are classics:

Dinner at Home Slice Pizza:




Karaoke in the "Rappers Delight" room at The Highball:







Best video...ever:
This was no competition, seriously how could you top this video?! It's of my grandma and brother dancing to Tik Tok by Ke$ha at my cousin's wedding. She definitely earned some cool points with this one! :)
(Yes, that is me who is laughing like a hyena. Sometimes I just get caught up in the moment. Don't judge.)




Best Photo:
I feel like this photo captures our sibling relationship quite perfectly.
We can't even have a normal "photo shoot".



Best Concert:
Hillsong United. Hands down. What an amazing experience! Plus, it was fun to worship and spend time with these lovely ladies.


(Photo courtesy of Sara Davis)

Best Memory:
Being apart of one of my best friends wedding. Such a happy, happy day!! :)



Best Read of 2010:
So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. What a truly convicting read, I honestly don't think of myself the same way anymore. I suggest it to each and every lady out there!


Best Sermon of 2010 at The Austin Stone (in my opinion):

Grace For Sodom and Gomorrah
I highly recommend you listen to this, it continues to wreck me every time.

Well this is my slightly random list of things I really enjoyed in 2010. I hope you had as much fun reflecting on them as I have.
Here's to another great year in 2011!!

Behind The Green Apron

I recently tweeted: "You can tell a lot about a guy by the type of coffee he drinks..." and I got a request from a friend, Nate, to explain this statement in a blog post. I was down with that idea, I thought it'd be a fun way of sharing all the things I've noticed or observed on a daily basis in my life behind the green apron.

For those of you who don't know, I have been a barista for many years. I have met some interesting people and I have even developed some pretty cool friendships with some of my customers. I also love that we are in an area of Austin where "Keep Austin Weird" isn't just a slogan for local businesses but a way of life. I have observed a lot of things in my time spent with Starbucks, and if anything, I have learned that you can indeed tell a lot about a guy by the type of coffee he drinks. Let me explain... (Disclaimer: I do realize that I may not by right on the money with these observations, but humor me and play along.)

Brewed Coffee:
I may be jumping the gun by starting off with this, but I feel like they need to be acknowledged first. Why, you ask? Well because I'm a wuss, and not a coffee drinker and on the rare occasion that I actually do drink espresso it is diluted in soy milk and extra pumps of syrup. I have never been able to drink just a regular cup of brewed coffee, therefore I am impressed. What is even more impressive are the ones who drink it black. I have a customer who comes in every morning at the same time, he is always at the door right as we open and he doesn't even have to say a word and I have his coffee ready for him: grande bold black coffee. It blows my mind every time he takes a sip of his coffee at the register while I am ringing him up because that coffee is almost 200 degrees. That is a man's man right there. I told him once that one day he would change his mind and order something else, but he said he used to get a handcrafted espresso drink but all his buddies gave him a hard time. He caved in, but now he is going all out on his choice of coffee and I can respect that. What's even more impressive than that? The guy who adds espresso shots to his cup of joe. I tip my hat to you, Mr. brewed coffee drinker. You guys are ready to face your day with a strong cup of coffee and no pastry... You are a man's man, indeed.

Americanos/Multiple Shots Of Espresso:
You are almost as impressive as a brewed coffee drinker, you come in a close second. Props to you.

"Skinny" Lattes:
This one is going to be short and (not so) sweet. Mainly because I don't want to sound mean and judgemental, that wouldn't be very nice of me and I also don't want to offend anyone. I don't experience this one often, not very many guys make it a point to get everything sugar free and non fat. On the rare occasion that one does come along, he appears to be well groomed...almost "frat" like, and it would not surprise me if he had a seersucker suit hanging up in his closet. To any guy reading this who prefers his lattes a little skinny but also likes to hunt and kill (animals) on the weekends, holler at me and prove me wrong, restore my hope in all mankind. You will be welcomed with open arms, don't be shy.

Tea/Tea Lattes:
I feel like I can relate most with this type of guy. They are normally nice, easy to talk to and pretty chill. I feel like these guys are comfortable enough with themselves to enjoy a nice cup of tea. (I may sound a little partial to this bunch, and it is because I'm a tea drinker myself.) I can picture this guy hanging out in the cafe with a good book or totally focused on his MacBook.

Creme Frappuccinos/Hot Chocolates
You have no idea what you are doing in this coffee shop, do you? You probably got dragged along to Starbucks with your friends, they told you they get a Double Chocolatey Chip Frappuccino, so you try it and now that is the only thing you ever drink because you don't want to be "that guy" who speaks up and says: "I have no idea what to get here." Be bold Mr. Frappuccino drinker, ask questions, branch out and take the bull by the horns!

So which type of coffee drinker do I prefer? Well I would like a mix of the brewed coffee and tea/tea latte drinker. I like an All American Guy Next Door mixed with a guy who enjoys good conversation over a steeping hot cup of tea.

Ladies, which guy do you prefer? And Gentleman, which coffee drinker are you?

This is my kind of guy right here:
"You can't get a cup of tea big enough or a book long enough to suit me."
-C. S. Lewis (Preach it C.S.!!)

Be Still

I had the intentions of writing this blog 3 weeks ago, well those 3 weeks have come and gone and I am just now getting to it. That's how busy I am, it takes me forever to type out one little blog post. I wish I could say that I have been busy with important things, such as spending all my time in homeless shelters, or the pregnancy center that I volunteer at but I've even neglected that over the past month. I've let job(s) get the best of me, I put all my time and energy into my work. Earn more money, cash in my stocks, save up for vacation, and make a dent in that super long Christmas shopping list I made, these are the thoughts that have consumed me lately. I don't like it, not only does that sound stressful but it has taken success and money and placed it before God just simply providing for me. I have felt like I've placed striving for more above everything else.

About 3 weeks ago, the same time I had planned on blogging, I realized that I had a day off of work with nothing else planned. 24 hours all to myself. This is a rare thing, I am the type of person who feels like I need to constantly be doing something wether it be working, volunteering, or just a social event, my schedule always needs to be full. I didn't know what to do, I just realized I had this day off with only a couple hours notice, it was too late to plan anything. So I just had to face the music and deal with the fact that I had to spend the whole day with myself, just me and my thoughts. So I decided that I wanted to be productive in a completely relaxing sort of way. I wanted to do things around the wonderful city of Austin that I don't do on a daily basis. The day ended up being an eye opener, I didn't earn any money that day and I wasn't successful in any way possible but I learned a lot about my thoughts, and what they are controlled by. I let God get the best of me that day.

So here is my adventure, a whole 24 hours dedicated to nothing but peace and satisfaction in God. It was a struggle to get to that point but I am glad that God was forcing me to just be still.

I started off at Mozart's coffee, I was ready for God to speak to me and ready to blog about it. I got my tea, headed out to the deck. sat by the lake and watched the ducks and turtles swim around. I was ready. Speak to me God. (Nothing says "God spoke to me" like hanging out in nature, it just seems to go hand and hand.) I began to get frustrated, distracted and way too eager to blog about something profound and funny, or about something God told me to blog about so that I appeared to be super holy! I sat there for an hour....and then nothing. My thoughts were still being consumed by making plans, how to finance my money this month, how I could squeeze in some more hours at work before leaving on vacation. Once again I found myself trying to strive for more. So after an hour of just sitting there, getting distracted by Facebook (that little devil) and tweeting up a storm, I decided to leave. I needed lunch after all. Next stop: Whole Foods.

I was excited about getting lunch at Whole Foods downtown, it is a place I like to visit often but don't really have the chance too. I have a Whole Foods by my apartment but it isn't the same as the one downtown...it's just not as fun. So I packed up my stuff and headed over there. If you aren't aware Whole Foods is like the mother ship for everything "Austin" so it fit perfectly into my plans of doing something different. After circling the parking lot for about 5 minutes, I was finally able to grab my lunch and I was ready to eat! I still wanted to do something even more Austin-y, so I took my lunch and headed over to Mount Bonnell. For those of you who aren't Austinites and are reading this, Mt. Bonnell is the highest point in Austin which also over looks Lake Austin (I just typed the word Austin a lot in one sentence!!). It is beautiful up there. Unfortunately my ex boyfriend and I used to go on dates up there but I was determined to change the memories of that place. It is too beautiful to not visit just because of a silly relationship. Anyway, I hiked the stairs up to the top and was ready to eat lunch and hear from God. Speak to me God, I am hanging out in nature again....why is this not working. I ate my lunch, and just waited. Still nothing. I was starting to become restless so I just finally had to stop or I was going to go insane. Somehow I managed to finish my lunch despite my lack of patience. I stayed up there for awhile, sitting in silence, looking at the birds and seeing how God provides for them in the form of a tiny french fry or whatever food was left over up there near the picnic site. My heart wanted to be content and still but my mind kept wandering. My thoughts weren't cooperating. I decided to take my talents elsewhere and head over to Mayfield park.


For those of you who also aren't familiar with Mayfield park, it is a place where peacocks run free, and you get to walk around with them, take pictures, have picnics and what not. Another Austin thing that I don't get to do often, and fortunately I had not been on a date there. Jackpot. I was determined to get my thoughts right, I was ready for God to show me some big things. I was hanging out with nature for the third time that day, that's got to mean something!! Still nothing.

It wasn't until later on that day that I realized I was being spoken to the whole day. God was never silent. I was just trying to listen to the wrong things. I wanted to hear amazing things that would knock me off my feet, I wanted God to wreck me and then wreck me again. It wasn't until I fully processed the day that I realized that God was forcing me to be still. I was surrounded by nature all day, but I was never fully in awe of the beauty of God's creation. I kept wanting God to speak to me but the thing is, he was. Through the ducks on the lake he was saying "Look at me." Through the view from Mt. Bonnell he was saying "Look at me." and by the beauty of the peacock's feathers he was saying "Look at me." God is most visible to me by looking at his creation, I am that crazy person who looks at clouds and smiles because God is just looking beautiful today! I wasn't seeing that though because I was striving, striving to be funny, witty, profound, successful, and find an identity in something. God wants me to be still, he wants me to remember that he provides. My job doesn't provide. My success doesn't provide and my good deeds don't provide. He speaks loud and clear when I am still, knowing that everything comes from Him. He is my provider and will never fail me.

“Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” -Psalm 46:10