"My comfort would prefer for me to be numb..."

Lately I have been struggling with something that is starting to drive me a little bit crazy. Now before I tell you what it is, you have to promise me one thing, that you won't think I am a horrible person. Ok, we good? I have found my self struggling with liking people. I am not talking about "Oh, I like this guy, he is so cute." I just mean being able to tolerate certain people. I don't know what brought this on either. I don't consider myself to be a mean person, and I think I do a good job of handling myself well around people that are completely opposite of me, so why do I find myself getting all hot and bothered a lot easier now?

Let me expand on this "liking" business a bit. But before I do, I would like to ask you to open your mind a bit to what I have to say. Put your hand in a fist if it keeps you from shaking a finger at me, because have you ever been annoyed by someone? (Yes) Bothered so much by someone that you call your best friend up to vent? (Yes) Or yelled at someone in traffic? (Yes, yes, yes) Ok good, now that we have cleared that up, I will proceed. I am having a hard time following God's commandment to love my neighbor as myself. I mean, think about it, that is a huge commandment. Think about how much you love yourself, you work hard to support yourself, you are the first one to stick up for yourself, and think of all the things you dream about one day spoiling yourself with, and most of us always put ourselves first. So that is how I love myself, and I am supposed treat my neighbor and coworkers like that?? Man, I am way off!! I am having a hard time liking some of the people God has put in my life, I can't imagine what it would be like to love them!! But no matter what this person is like, what they have done to me, or if they will ever like me, His commandment remains the same: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no "but" and "only when", it is a law that has no circumstances.

So today was the day that God wanted to drill that into my head a little bit deeper. On the way home from work I was listening to KLOVE (love that station) and they were interviewing Lincoln Brewster and how his new cd is about putting his faith into deeds. He said something that hit me like a ton of bricks. He said that one thing we could do to turn our faith into deeds is buying the guy in line behind you at Starbucks his cup of coffee. He said that you never know if that person might be asking God to speak to him and show him that He's real. Dang, that was intense. So I gave up and let God finish making His point. I don't think it was a coincidence that God had me hearing that, I know He wants to change that hardened part of my heart where I find it just a little bit harder to be nice to those who wrong me. (And by a little bit, I mean a lot)

I started to think about all the people who I've been upset, angry or annoyed with in the past couple months and how hard it would be to love them. Talk about a humbling experience. The hardest part about loving all of them is I can't pick and chose, after all His commandment doesn't say "Only love the neighbor who wronged you but said sorry first", nope, I am called to love everyone. So this was an awkward time for me, because I kept trying to think of another topic, I didn't want to come face to face with this realization. I mean seriously, does God not know about that person who said those things about me when I didn't even do anything to them?? Or how about that lady who said something hurtful about my mom? Or the man who cut me off, took my parking spot and then shot me the bird?? He is supposed to be a gentlemen for crying out loud!! But like I said, I can't pick and chose. I have to love them all, equally...and it's hard. I want to be the victim, feel sorry for myself and tell everyone how I was wronged. I want to be the princess of my pity party and have everyone attend! But God would rather I take a deep breath, relax, meditate on His grace and give it back to that person.

Well, God threw me another little curve ball. Not only was He pretty much telling me to get over myself (in a nice way, of course), He now proceeds to tell me that He wants me to buy coffee for the next person who wrongs me on my next trip to Starbucks. Woah, woah, wait....so that guy in his fancy car who speeds past me and takes the only spot up front...you want me to buy him his coffee? But I can guarantee he has more money than me, and why should I reward his bad behavior? He is never going to learn his lesson if someone is nice to him. I'll tell you how he will learn his lesson...if I punch him. I bet he will watch how he treats women a lot more carefully! (Oh by the way, I've never punched someone, I just like how it sounds. I can assure you that if I tried to punch someone I would probably miss their face...or break my hand. So no need to get all in a frenzy.) Well after the thoughts of punching him left my mind, a feeling of guilt and conviction covered me like a dark cloud. Where would I be if every time I did something wrong God sent someone to cross my path who would just punch me? I bet my faith wouldn't be strengthened and I wouldn't be encouraged to seek Him, my heart would just grow cold, bitter and frustrated.

So I find myself faced with a new challenge, one that will require me to put myself aside, let go of my pride and do something for someone who totally doesn't deserve it. I know it will be hard, I know that it is going to be painful but the work of the Lord is not easy. I have to always be second so that He will always be first. ("He must become greater; I must become less." John 3:30) I will be sure to let you know how it goes, I can only pray that the Lord will be faithful and use this as an opportunity to create a stirring in someone's heart. I hope for seeds to be planted and lives to be changed. Maybe we can do this together? We all have those bad days and pesky run ins with complete strangers, how would lives be changed if we were to completely surprise them and react in a way that they weren't expecting? I believe that God uses people who are humble, and what's more humbling than putting someone first who just doesn't deserve it?

So if you chose to join me please feel free to share with me your experience. I am always open to encouragement and support! :)
Blessings,
Traci

"I won't find what I am looking for if I only "see" by keeping score." -Brooke Fraser

Hard Questions.

Every now and then a topic comes along and buries itself in my mind. I can't stop thinking about it, I dwell on it and it manifests itself in my every day thoughts. For some reason this topic was a big one, one that I would need God's help in trying to figure out: How do I know there is a God? Why do I believe what I believe? Woah, talk about big stuff. Why was God putting this in my mind? I know that I believe so why was he wanting me to explain it...to myself? Why did the thoughts cross my mind everyday? I couldn't figure out why I kept thinking about that question, it's not like I live in a land where I defend my faith on a daily basis. I have been a believer for awhile and no one has ever flat out asked me that question (until now). I began thinking of bullet points that would outline the sequence of thoughts if I was ever to be approached with that question. All I could come up with was things that I had felt or heard from God. How do you explain to someone that you feel God, or hear Him? A unbeliever would think I sit around petting and talking to a burning bush, and that is just absurd. You never want to start out witnessing to someone with them thinking you are crazy, I just don't see that playing out very well. So I began to get frustrated, I wanted to be poetic like C.S. Lewis and spitting out theology left and right like Mark Driscoll, but I am just Traci and I am neither poetic or a theologian, so I had to put my feelings into words. With God leading the way I couldn't go wrong, right? Riiiighhht.

I was contacted via email by a guy who wanted to know more about my faith, he was confused and wanted answers. Well, this is what God was preparing me for and this was His time to shine. After a couple email exchanges, the time came (last night) when I got asked about my faith. Dun dun dun, all those thoughts and feelings had to be put into words, where would I begin, how would I say "God spoke to me" without sounding like a complete loon. Well, I put myself aside and prayed that the Holy Spirit would speak through me, that the words I typed out would not be my own but His. In the end I wanted to say "these are God's words, not mine." So I began to type, my fingers were like speed demons, no pun intended, and the Holy Spirit was on a roll.

I thought it would be cool to share our conversation so far. I understand that I am not perfect, I am not a preacher and my response might not meet up to your expectations but I know God is working through this and that is good enough for me. :) This guy will be known as "guy" and I will not reveal who is he or where he is from, I want to keep this private and sacred because it is so stinkin cool for God to be doing this!!

Guy: I would love to be encouraged by your faith. I am confused and would like to hear your take on God.

Traci: No need to be confused, the best thing about Him is that you can come as you are and He transforms your life. :)

Guy: I have known him and can't understand a lot of things. I just believed whatever the pastor said before, and found a lot of flaws. Yahweh which is the Hebrew name for God demands faith which I know you understand. However, there are so many things in the bible that are not logical. On the flip side, there are so many things that make sense to me. The only thing right now that keeps me still drawn in, is fear of the eternal flames that have been embedded in my mind.

Traci: This is a pretty loaded email, and while I don't have all the answers I feel like I can pass along some things to you that can give you peace and maybe breathe a little
lighter about the situation.

I know you said that you don't understand a lot of things and they don't seem logical so I am not going to bombard you with a lot of theology. That is the great part about "knowing" God, to be a believer you don't have to be a Bible scholar, it's about faith and trust and believing that what He did on the cross was true. When you believe that and your relationship with God begins to grow, He starts revealing things to you. I am not talking about God speaking in a booming voice and burning bushes, I think God speaks to me when I have convictions or guilt, or when something just clicks in my mind that I know I am not capable of coming up with myself. I know there is a God, not because I have seen Him but because I feel Him, I feel Him when I don't want to be nice to people but I know that I have to, or when I help people in need even if I am struggling financially or just not in the mood. The gospel isn't about rules, it is acknowledging that we are broken and in need of a Savior, it is when you give up your need to figure everything out that you can really enjoy that relationship with God. It becomes intimate and personal. Even when I have a bad day, or I feel guilt and regret, it is so awesome to have that voice in the back of my mind that says it's ok and God is bigger, and that voice is the Holy Spirit.

I have been a Christian for almost 16 years and I still don't understand all the scientific and theological facts behind some Bible stories but I just trust that everything in God's word in true and perfect. If I believe that the Gospel saves me, and that is from God's word, then I have to have a peace about all the other things the Bible says as well, it is not my place to pick and choose what I can believe.

I hope this helps you out a little bit, and like I said the more you spend time seeking God (in prayer or in His word) He will begin to speak to you, help you understand and all the doubts begin to fade and you just have this desire to learn more about Him.

God's word has promised us that as a believer we don't have to worry about those eternal flames. He has conquered and overcome it and it is through His mercy that we are saved from that! Pretty awesome, huh? :)

I hope this helps you a bit, and I know I don't have all the answers but please feel free to ask anything else.

Hope you had a good day!
Traci


So that is how I explained my faith, with no theology required. While I love theology, and learning more about God, I just couldn't put the way I see and feel God into big holy words. I experienced something more than that a couple years ago, I experienced grace, love and mercy. I experienced forgiveness when I shouldn't have been forgiven at all. God could have left me in that pit, but He called me out and hasn't let go of me since. Shouldn't everyone hear about of those feelings? :)

Feel free to shield your eyes

So as I was walking through Borders this afternoon I spotted the cover to Miley Cyrus' new album and all I could say was "Why?" If you haven't seen it yet, here it is:



So many things are wrong with this picture, where do I begin?
1. Does anyone in this girl's life know that she is only 17?
2. Why is she squinting so hard? Did she drop her glasses?
3. Was it hard for her not to drool while she was trying way too hard to make her lips look "sexy"?
4. Did she really name her album Can't Be Tamed? Because you are 17, I'm pretty sure you can be tamed, it's called being grounded.
5. This picture looks a lot like this:


Did she not see Britney Spears: True Hollywood Story on E! ? Doesn't she know how this story will end??? Someone get this girl a Tiger Beat magazine, some Twilight books, a Mustang and whatever else 17 year olds are into these days!!

Confessions of a (former) Shopaholic

When people are addicted to things, most find themselves in rehab or counseling, "Hi my name is Traci, and I am addicted to...shopping." How lame, shopping, it's not even a "pity" addiction, one where people feel sorry for you for falling down a pit of drugs, alcohol or sex. It's shopping!! No one is going to say "Oh Traci, I feel so bad for you that you buy all the stuff you want and have cute clothes and designer purses." Nope, no one feels sorry for that. So I didn't tell anyone, and no I am not in rehab for it.

My sister used to give me a hard time about it because there wasn't a day that I wouldn't come home with something, whether it be a new dress, a pair of shoes or a purse. Who buys that kind of stuff everyday?! I did.

How did this happen? When did this all begin? Well, I blame my mom (sorry mom). Growing up my mom and grandma gave my sister and I everything we wanted. We would come home from Dillards with giant bags of clothes, and it didn't help that I had to match everything so that required even more color options for shoes, dresses and hair bows. Well as I got older I justified all my spending habits by saying "I work hard, I have two jobs after all..." Excuses. Well it got worse, if that is even possible, I "fell into some money". I never got that phrase, how do you fall into something, anyway I did and my spending habits got even worse! I was buying all the things I had been wanting, a new North Face jacket or tickets to a Denver Nuggets game, lots and lots of things. Did any of that extra money go to tithing? No.

I spent several months buying things I didn't really need, going out to eat every other day and buying friends expensive gifts (which I doubt they objected to). Only a tiny portion of that money, that I somehow fell into, went towards helping others. And it was a lot of money...

After I spent that extra money I began having convictions about how I spent it, and how I managed to blow through it so fast. I wasn't completely foolish, I do know how to manage money. The money I made from work went towards bills and other responsibilities and the money that I was given went towards me. I think back on all the things I could have spent it on, all the selfless ways I could have supported others but no, all I could think about was me, after all I did work so hard, right?

So as I began to struggle with this feeling of regret and disappointment, God began working in my heart to create a new outlook on material items and possessions. I don't go shopping everyday, I don't have the urge to buy something every time I walk into a store and I don't obsess over money. All it took was a little prayer, a little patience and a lot of God! God restores, He restores the places that we aren't strong enough to fix. He directs our hearts and our minds towards Him and when that happens everything else just seems so silly. I didn't do a thing, God changed my desires and my focus. He made that phase of constant shopping and obsessing over "new things" fade away, and they no longer control me. The last time I bought a new item of clothing was 3 weeks ago, and I am okay with that. I don't feel like I need to constantly reward myself for all my hard work, because it's not about me. He has replaced my thoughts of wanting new clothes or shoes and instead I just can't seem to justify spending that much on things when I think of places I could donate to with that much money. Those aren't my own thoughts, instead it is the work of the Cross and the realization we come to when God is restoring our hearts.

So God has renewed another part of my life, and He has a long way to go before He is finished with me, but I am glad that I serve a God who is patient and forgiving. He still loves me even though I have a tendency to take my time. God is waiting for me to put every distraction aside and just be content with Him.

My attitude sucks, and it's not Jesus' fault.

Anyone who has played sports has heard the saying "Attitude reflects leadership." Well I have been trying to be the leader lately and let me tell you, my attitude sucks. I guess this is just another way of connecting two things I love, Jesus and sports, and attempting to make a really awesome analogy out of it.
In sports the way a team competes and responds to a loss or a win is a reflection of their leader, the coach, and the level of importance they place on winning. A good coach knows that if they are on a winning streak a team should not be cocky or over confident and if they are a losing team, then they place a good amount of importance on working hard, training and staying focus. So when a teams attitude is good, that usually means they have a good leader.

So if my attitude has been sucking lately, what does that say about my leader? Well first off, I have been trying to lead myself lately and just get through the day and going through the motions. I have been leading myself because I have not allowed God to consume my every day life because I am just too busy. I am too busy, too tired and too lazy. My life/work balance has been suffering and I am seriously lacking in church time, quiet time and worshiping God. Now don't get me wrong, I haven't lost any HOPE in God, I love love love Him, I just find myself slipping on the time I spend with Him and it is amazing what a huge difference it makes. I get annoyed more easily, I am emotionally drained and just want to sleep after I am done with work...isn't it ironic how failure to spend time with God can give you the same symptoms as someone who is depressed? I know that by robbing myself from that time with God, I am also robbing myself of pure joy and happiness.

So how do I fix this? How do I make it go away? Well I was honest and brought it to my small group's attention and we decided we are going to hold each other accountable for the time we spend with God. I am so thankful that God has blessed me with people who are just amazing and always there for me. Love you girls!

So if attitude reflects leadership, I want people to see that my Leader is great, powerful and sovereign!! I want my attitude to reflect the fruits of the Spirit!

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." Galatians 5:22-23

Sticks and Stones

I once wrote a blog entry titled "Sticks and Stone May Break My Bones..." I'd like to revisit that post again because it can speak to us on a daily basis. Words hurt, and when the bad words are said at just the right time they can disable a person's confidence and comfort. So here is the blog I wrote when I was going through a time in my life when I had to deal with someone who was verbally abusive (I hate using that word but it's true) and by the grace of God, I have been restored and set free from that situation and I am more than comfortable talking about it. That, my friends, is a perfect example of God's faithfulness.

Sticks and stone may break my bones but words will never hurt me. As children we would close our eyes and say this and it would give us a sense of security. As adults we learn that words do hurt and sticks and stones cause less pain. With every sentence comes a hundred emotions, happy or sad, they cause us to evaluate the person we are. As I walk through the halls of our child care center it is not rare to hear a teacher saying "Use your words." We are taught young to communicate our feelings; it is not until we get older that we can comprehend the pain or joy we bring to others with our words. Some people never see it. They go through life saying what they want because it gives them that sense of security. As "adults" they still close their eyes and say what they feel regardless of the heartache they cause. Some even seek out others to destroy them with their insecurity, but when will it be enough. What will be the standard by which they measure their success? Will it be silence or will it be heartache? When will we learn that the words we say today could possibly echo in someone's eternity...

It is amazing how many aspects of life that entry can relate to, at the time that I wrote that I was dealing with a bad relationship, but now that I am looking back on it I am dealing with people who like to make other people look bad due to their insecurity.

Bear with me as I go on this side tangent that does have to do with this issue.
I grew up in a private Christian school, one that was filled with kids who were blessed with the finer things in life. I experienced a life of "keeping up with the Joneses", everyday was a day that I got to compare myself to my classmates and at the time, it sucked. Don't get me wrong, my family is extremely blessed, we just didn't spend a ridiculous amount of money on luxury vacations and the finest cars. At the time , I couldn't see why my friends thought money was everything, but now I see it's because their parent's thought it was everything as well. I grew up in a sheltered bubble where parents caused just as much drama as the children, and several years later, things have not changed.

As adults we are called to a higher standard. I do realize that I am not a parent, but I believe that they are called to set the bar for their children's behavior. How can you expect a child to be honest and upright if you are anything but. The phrase "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree" didn't come from nowhere.

We are called to be a servant to others, not put down and discourage those who serve. Adults are not immune to insecurities, drama or petty arguments, but that doesn't mean that we have to partake in them. Flee from them, don't worry about what your friends think, after all if they are adults too, shouldn't they understand?? A huge part of me wants to rent an airplane that will "write" in the sky: "Stop using your husband's hard earned money to plot and scheme against others over coffee or pedicures, get out there and serve. If you aren't serving then you have no room to talk. How can your clean hands point fingers at someone who has dirt on their hands to prove their service." I do realize that the first line wouldn't be very Christ-like for me to say, that is why I have refrained from doing so...oh and I don't have several G's to rent a plane, small details. (G's ='s $$$)

So this blog comes at a time in my life when I am frustrated at seeing people hurt people I know with words. Silly, petty words. I have been broken, torn down, and discouraged over a few words and it's not fun. Unfortunately, we live in a world where we don't learn our lesson unless we have experienced it. And though I'd never wish anything like emotional brokenness on someone else, I wish someone people would get slapped with a big dose of reality to see that starting up drama with a few words isn't worth it. It hurts. It causes pain. So until you know what it is like to sacrifice your time to serve your community, you don't get to point fingers at those because you don't think they are doing a good enough job.

So how will your words be used today? To encourage and lift up? Or to break down and destroy?

But I don't want to...

Why do we do things that we don't want to do? Why do we give into temptations, insecurities and fears?

I don't know about you, but I do things I don't want to do, I talk to people I shouldn't and I think about things that are unhealthy, unproductive or just plain damaging to my self worth. I have surrendered to the "don'ts" instead of surrendering the "don'ts" to God. My soul longs for comfort, peace and simplicity. I feel those feelings but not all the time, unfortunately due to the fall of man, we have to deal with frustration, regret, and disappointment. One day my soul will be still but until then it is frustrating to know that these things won't disappear, but they can be silenced.

Recently I have been making an effort to stop these things dead in their tracks. It's not easy but it is so much more liberating. When I verbally acknowledge that God can control these thoughts, feelings or actions, I achieve a sense of freedom, a sigh of relief. These things will never conquer me, they will never claim me but they do try to control me. When I say "God, you are bigger than this, You are more powerful than this, take this stuff because I am not big enough to do it myself" I can feel the filth begin to wash away.

I encourage you to try it, it might be easy to feel self pity, regret and fear and hard to declare that God is bigger than that, He is more faithful than that, and that anything you may face He is at work in it but it's worth it. Don't settle for that heavy weight on your shoulders, instead strive for total freedom through Christ. I'm working on it and you should too, it's a pretty nice feeling!!


"The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." -Zephaniah 3:17