I should not operate heavy machinery.

I did about the dumbest thing ever on Sunday night. I was driving down Mopac, going about 75 or 80, give or take a couple mph, and I was touching up my makeup on the way to my friends. I dropped my lip gloss and it landed under my passenger seat. So while I was driving I wanted to see if I could get it out from underneath...I failed. I got my arm stuck. So I began to panic, here I was driving down the highway, could barely see over the wheel and my arm was stuck! Go ahead, shake your head and laugh, I now realize that it was unsafe and incredibly stupid. Well in a panic I pulled my arm out as hard/fast as I could. I took off some skin and my arm has a huge bruise and is swollen. Geez I am special!

Here is a pic, can't see it too well, the swelling has gone down and the bruising is finally fading.
It still amazes me that the one time I was doing nothing while driving is the time I get in my huge wreck. I am thankful that God wants to keep me alive!

"I'm good God, but thanks anyway..."

Have you ever sat through a sermon that just convicts the crap out of you? Well if not podcast Austin Stone's sermon for this past Sunday and then answer that question again. We are focusing on a two week series called "And you are healed." Sounds amazing right? Everyone wants to be healed, but it is the process of getting there that makes me cringe! Matt spoke of a verse in James 5:16 that went a little something like this:
"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."
So....God wants me to confess my sins to other people, huh? Even all the dirty details that makes me look like a fake? I don't know about that. Through out the sermon God was speaking to me, actually it was more like he was standing in my face with a megaphone saying "Listen up girl, this is for you!!" Well I heard him, loud and clear, but I get scared when God speaks to me like that. I get scared because I know that when God speaks to me that clearly he means business, he is ready to wreck shop! He was telling me that the sin that I have been dealing with for the past several years needs to come to light and peace out. I like the sound of that, after all who wants to be burdened daily in their walk, but I don't know about telling other people about it. That scares me, to have someone look at me differently and know the real me. God knows the real me, and he still loves me but why am I scared to tell others. I cry out to my Savior often, but why can't I tell someone one little secret? Is my pride more important to me than the sin that is manifesting itself in my heart. Honestly, that seems to be the case. I wish I could tell God "No thank you." but he just keeps reminding me to confess. He reminds me through songs, sermons, and a variety of different things and I know he won't stop until I do what he asks.
I am pulling a Jonah right now, I am running the other way but I wonder what will be the big fish in my life that consumes me and makes me confess. I wish I could do it, I know that I am strong enough in Christ to do it...but I am just too scared to act on it.

So here I am, consumed with the struggle to just spit the words out.
I'm gonna do it...I have to.

Lake Travis Weekend!

This weekend I went out on Lake Travis with my small group from church, boy do I enjoy hanging out with them! We planned a trip out to a lake house for fun but who would have thought it would be a trip to overcome so many fears! Let me explain one of them...
I am not a big fan of water activities, it's not because I don't know how to swim it's because I have been traumatized! When I was about 5 or 6 years old I wasn't the Olympic swimmer of the kiddie pool, I was still hanging on to the sides but one day I decided to take a big tube out to the middle of the 7ft end. Needless to say I slipped through the inner tube and almost drowned. My dad had to jump in and save me...thankfully my sister noticed I was gone because no one else did! Even though he saved my life the first time, I blame my dad for this second traumatic experience. When I was about 7 or 8 (like how he gave me only a year to get over my almost drowning incident.) I went to Schlitterbahn with my dad, sister and other family members, I didn't want to ride any of the rides because I was a big wuss but I had to go on every single one because no one would stay and watch me. (Thanks for the love family!) Needless to say I was terrified and probably wet my suit, who knows since I was covered in water the whole time. I don't like anything to do with fast movements in water...plain and simple. So what did I do this weekend, I went out on the lake and conquered some fears! I like the lake though, it is like the Cadillac of water activities, second to the ocean of course. I think the lake is way classier than Schlitterbahn. Schlitterbahn makes me think of diseases, used band-aids and urinary tract infections, lovely I know...but it does. I am not a fan of a bunch of wet people walking around, eating, and carrying on with life as if being soggy and your skin pruning is no big deal. Bleh.

I am thankful that God has given me this group because instead of pointing and laughing at me, they really helped me get over the whole water activity thing. Allison, being the kind person that she is, was very patient in teaching me how to drive a jet ski. I may have started out going 10 mph but by the end of the end I was going 40, jumping waves and making fast turns. She is my guardian water angel.

Another fear of mine: heights. It scares me so much I don't even like to see people leaning over the side of railings, I freak out and close my eyes. God blessed me with the courage of a chihuahua, it's just something I have learned to accept. But this weekend I had no choice but to conquer that fear if I wanted to get down to the boat dock. Our friends house sat on top of a very tall hill and the only way down to the lake was by a steep tram and walking down steep steps. I will attach pictures so you will grasp the whole experience and see just how scary it was. I must admit, I did crawl back up the steps so I am still working on it...baby steps.

Photots for your viewing pleasure:

25 things I've learned/experienced by the age of 25.

On Wednesday I turned 25 and it got me thinking...what have I learned/experienced in the past year leading up to my 25th birthday? Well I made a list (in no specific order):

1. God has shown me the true meaning of a "church family". I have been apart of a church all my life but it hasn't been until I joined a small group at Austin Stone that I now know what it is like to live in Christ with one another. I can count on these girls for prayer or meeting up for coffee just to talk and get weekly encouragement. How awesome! My church family does not only include my small group but God has given me a ton of different friends that attend the same church as I do. It is awesome to live a life surrounded by people who serve the same God!


2. I have learned that no matter how much my heart aches, God's grace is that much better!

3. I have also learned that God gives you friends in the most unlikely places. He turned "enemies" and strangers into some pretty significant people in my life.

4. I learned how to make Indian food with my small group:


5. I have learned that my "little" brother is not so little anymore. I now use him as a form of protection....and that is weird!


6. I think that my dog's intestines are made of steel. Seriously, I have learned that he can eat anything and not die. Examples: A platter of chocolate cup cakes, a 2 week old piece of chicken, 2 of his collars and numerous chew toys.


7. You are never too old to get slapped around a bit by your mom when you sass her.

8. I have learned that even though you aren't texting or putting on make up you can still get into a very serious car accident that totals your car!!!

(Doesn't look bad from this angle, but the other side was demolished after my SUV flipped on its side and slid on the pavement for several yards before landing on top of a stop sign! I am still a tad bit bitter.)

9. I now know that even when you are taken out of your comfort zone and feel alone...God is ALWAYS there!

10. God takes away a job or a someone you care about so that you grow closer to Him in your suffering.

11. The Tech vs. UT football game is by far one of the BEST sporting events I have ever attended!!!!



(Such a great day it deserves 3 pictures!)

12. I have learned that when you experience something that completely wrecks your mind it can only be a God thing!!! That is such an awesome feeling, to experience something you can't explain in your own words!

13. I now know that if you take long enough to exit the highway while getting pulled over by DPS they might just get annoyed with you and drive off. I was just trying to find a safe place for him to get out of his car instead of on the side of I-35...geez!!

14. I have experienced the joys of iChatting and it is now one of my addictions.



15. I experienced my first wedding that wasn't for a relative but my very own friend. My first friend to get married followed by many others!


16. I have learned that when you take on my family, if you mess with the bull you get the horns. I learned that lesson courtesy of private school moms. Just sayin...

17. I have experienced my very first road trip with friends! Weird huh? It took almost 25 years for me to take a trip with only friends, no family. Haha.


18. I learned that I don't need to be on the other side of the world to do Christ's work. I am where I am because He is using me, and it is awesome to see that!!

19. I have heard God calling me by name, assuring me that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Phil. 1:6). AMAZING.

20. I learned how to assemble a book case...and it only took me 3 hours using nothing but a Swiss Army knife. Yikes.

21. I now know better than to spend 4 years living in an apartment on the 3rd floor...because it takes 5 looooong days to clean it out!!!

22. I have FINALLY experienced kayaking on Town lake. What an awesome thing to do!

23. I discovered the addiction that is BRAVO TV! Who knew so many good shows existed?!?!?!

24. I have finally watched a full season of The Office!

25. I know that my God is mighty to save.

The end.

Ok God, you got me. I'm back.

To say that the past couple of weeks have been hard would be an understatement. I have allowed myself to be in a situation that was neither glorifying to God or respectful to myself. Let's just say I've been down right selfish. I could justify my actions by saying that "I'm only human" but at the same time a voice inside screams "You are a human that loves Jesus!! It's time to get it right and stay that way!!" Ok little voice, you win.

I am only human, and I do fail, but as a Christian it is my job to take that excuse and bury it. "I'm only human" just isn't cutting it anymore. That excuse has caused me too many tears, too much regret and more than enough sorrow. Christ came to offer me the gift of salvation so that in return I would not have to be burdened by that excuse. That is the best gift I have ever received, so why don't I act like it? Why can't I live my life basking in the glory of my Savior instead of hiding in the shadows of my sin...

I feel like I have a weird relationship with my God. I love him, boy do I love him, but I can't seem to keep myself focused on him. I acknowledge him daily but I also let other people get in the way. I have a tendency of keeping God at an arms length when things are good only to find that I soon get knocked back down on my face to see that my God is still in control. So here is what I have to say: "Ok God, I am here! You have me on my knees, on my face, don't you see the worry?? What do you ask of me this time??" God hasn't answered me just yet, I think it is because I was being a little bit demanding. I can just see God saying "Oh no she didn't" but only in the nicest way possible because that's just how he is!

If I was face to face with God right now, still wallowing in my self pity and somehow being stupid enough to ignore the fact that I was in the presence of his glory, I see the conversation going something like this:

Me: Ok God, you got me. I'm back. Was that last heartache really necessary?
God: I love you my child and I just want you to see that you have that already, no need to search for it.
Me: Yes, I know you love me but why can't I just have earthly love too...just this once? I promise I will love you too.
God: You promise me every time, but I have yet to take the front seat in your relationships.
Me: That was then, this is now. Pinky promise. I am on my knees, doesn't that count for something??
God: Everything I do is for your good, I will never hurt you. All things work together for my glory.
Me: Touche God, touche.

Eventually I have to give up, quit the charade and give in. I try to give in every time but I only do it half heartedly. What if this time I dive in head first? Surrender my desires to God and be completely content with only the things he supplies me with? Oh what a life that would be. Here we go, round 2 of getting out of that pit.

You're so perfect, I'm so broken. Here You come with arms wide open, chasing after me down every road. You're always waiting there.

Ran-dumb.

It's time for some funny stuff. Things that have no purpose or meaning. Things that you don't have to contemplate on. Let's get it.

Dawn:
"What is the opposite of caring?"
Me:
"Uh...uncaring."

"I once dated a guy that reeked of Lucifer." (It's true, he was just down right evil.)

While out to dinner with the family:
Matthew: (yells in the restaurant) "Aw man, I got beans on my face!"

Leslie:
"You date guys that lift weights and I date guys that are skinny and look like they are on drugs."

Pictures John sends me via BlackBerry Messenger to cheer me up lol:




I am not the vulgar type, but this is just funny. Look at the sticker next to the McCain one:

I Don't Date [Revisited]

I once read a blog written by a girl titled "I don't date." The title alone captured my attention and I thought to myself "How could a girl my age not want to date?" As I proceeded to read, I discovered that this girl knows her stuff! Her heart longed for a relationship but she was discovering it in her Creator not mankind. She was being patient with her prayers and seeking God daily instead of a guy to date. After reading this I immediately thought "I want that!!" Easier said than done. Funny how we can speak things with such conviction but we are too scared to act upon it.

I told myself I was going to change my heart, but when it came down to doing it I failed. I failed because it is uncomfortable, and it is hard! Don't get me wrong, I love my God with all my heart, but I have fears and sometimes I let my fears be bigger than my God. It has been over a year and I have not done what I wanted to do. I do that way more often than I should, I rest in my comfort zone even when that zone becomes hazardous. One of my wisest friends once told me this last time I didn't follow God's calling: "Traci, you have to listen to what God is telling you, because if you don't he will pick you up and put you right where He wants you. It is going to be hard for you to adjust at first but it will be great in the end." I should really learn my lesson.

This past week God has picked me up and put me in a place that I don't like: Disappointment. I think He allowed me to continue down my path of dating around so that I could learn a bigger lesson. I think that lesson is "Do what you promise God you are going to do!" I think it took disappointment in dating for me to feel a stirring in my heart. I believe that it is natural for my heart to long for comfort, but I wasn't searching in the right place. I read God's word and I worshiped, but I wasn't letting it sink into the core of my heart.

I am trying to adjust to the change God has brought in my life. I don't like where I am at, but I am excited to find out what I will learn this time. My heart aches but it is aching for Him. I am yearning for Him to fix this mess. I am learning that sometimes being broken is the best form of worship. I am uncomfortable, broken and anxious but so far I am finding that it is the perfect place to begin a change in my heart.

Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough?